Only the devoted ‘Twilight’ fans will love ‘New Moon’

Where would Hollywood be without that old standby, the vampire-werewolf-schoolgirl love triangle?
 

As every Stephenie Meyer fan knows, “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” is the one where studly vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) dumps his human girlfriend, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), for her own safety, and she turns to old chum Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) for solace, unaware that he’s a werewolf, and therefore Edward’s sworn enemy from way back.

What fans are about to find out is that critics, present company included, don’t care much for this adaptation of the second in Meyer’s “Twilight” series. And those fans won’t give a fig what these critics have to say about their beloved Bella and her beastie boy toys.

They will turn out in blockbuster legions, teen girls in roving packs descending on theaters, along with ladies-night-out groups of friends and co-workers, and daughters with their moms (and plenty of grandmothers, no doubt).

With Chris Weitz (“American Pie,” “About a Boy,” “The Golden Compass”) taking over as director, the second movie has exactly what those fans want: Big, bouncy boy hair. Sculpted torsos everywhere. Teasing caresses of fingers on fingers, lips on lips. Love so deep and frenzied the smitten would prefer to die than go on without the other. Torsos, did we mention torsos?

Most important, not just one, but two supernatural hunks snarling over the quivering carcass of a breathless, doe-eyed young woman.

Swoon factor times two.

For anyone who has not sworn the blood oath of undying allegiance to all things “Twilight,” here’s a few issues with “New Moon”: It’s really two half-moons, or two halves of a movie that don’t quite fit. Mopey teenage Bella has all the luster of, well, a mopey teenager. The real rivalry between the werewolves and vampires is to see which species can behave with greater preposterousness and pretension.

Finally, “New Moon” is boring, eternally so.

The soap-opera melodrama of Stewart’s, Pattinson’s and Lautner’s performances provides some unintentional laughs that lighten the movie’s relentless gloom.

Yet Stewart is on screen almost all the time, and her Bella is just a drag to be around. With her flat speech and listless presence, it’s unfathomable how two different sets of monsters could fixate so completely on her.

All three lovers are so joyless, it’s hard to imagine why any of them would want to spend eternity together.

They’re here for two more movies, though. And that sounds like a real eternity.