They must feed tonight, Baltimore. Hiding behind their masks,they will relentlessly bang on your doors and your windows looking for one thing. No, not blood. Candy! If you want to survive, put the raisins away, and give them Snickers.
As you settle into your houses tonight for Halloween, you’re no doubt looking for a scary movie or two to watch in between doorbell rings. Here are a few recommendations for you and some for the children on the creepiest of all nights:
Notting Hill: Masked serial killers, vampires and werewolves all pale in comparison to a woman who can’t make a romantic decision to save her life. Toward the end of this movie, Julia Roberts looks at Hugh Grant and says, “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” Well, I’m a just a dude trying to make it through this first date and I’m planning on spending the next 20 minutes at the concession stand.
An Inconvenient Truth: This was the film that woke us all up to a very terrifying issue? Al Gore has to weigh about 280 pounds. Someone tell him to take it easy on the extra donuts on those private jet flights he takes trying to save the world’s climate. We know the former vice president has won every award imaginable, but is it really necessary for him to win “Most likely to look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man” too?
Superman Returns: We waited nearly 20 years for a new Superman movie and what do learn about the guy? He’s a deadbeat dead just begging for a restraining order. He goes away for five years and all he can think about is flying outside his old girlfriend’s place and listening to her conversations. Now, we all know wiretapping is in these days (hey, there, Mr. Patriot Act government official reading this). But, is there anything more frightening that an all-powerful being who won’t get over a girl? Dude’s going to go on a wicked bar bender when he hears she’s moved on. You have to hope that the Justice League shows up and doesn’t let him fly home alone.
Rocky IV: When Ivan Drago tells Rocky Balboa, “I must break you,” a lump forms in your throat. The Russian was not playing around. When the movie begins, everything’s on the up and up. James Brown performed “Living in America” as Apollo Creed came out to the ring dancing. Then, Drago literally kills Creed with his fists forcing Rocky to avenge his friend and one-time nemesis’ death.
Ronald Reagan gets credit for ending the Cold War with his “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall,” in West Berlin in 1987. But, Rocky went right to the Russians and beat their champion two years earlier, declaring: “I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.”
Mrs. Doubtfire: I don’t know about you, but a dude dressing up like an aging British lady to hang out with kids is just begging for that guy from “To Catch A Predator” to walk in and ask “What are you doing here?”
Stop or My Mom Will Shoot: Just listen to Sylvester Stallone, people. The old lady from Golden Girls (you know, the really old one) has a gun. You saw how cranky she was with all those other old ladies staying at her pad in Miami. You think raising Rambo as a son makes things any easier? A rampage is imminent. Hell has no fury like an Estelle Getty scorned.
The Wizard of Oz: What’s scarier: the Wicked Witch of the West, the flying monkeys, the apple-throwing trees or the fact that the brainless Scarecrow is packing heat halfway through the flick? Go check it out again and ask yourself: “Who thought it was a good idea for the guy who couldn’t walk ten minutes ago to be one with the pistol?”
No wonder Dorothy is trying to bolt Oz. She’s the de facto leader of perhaps the most dangerous gang in history. Her shoes shoot lightning bolts, Scarecrow might be the next Dick Cheney with that gun, Tin Man is wielding an axe and the Lion prefers to get his hair braided at Oz’s Salon and Nails. You’re not sure if he wants to maul you or take you to a club for a night of dancing.
Matt Palmer is a staff writer for The Examiner who wishes you a very morbid Halloween. He can be reached at [email protected].
