Gladiator

But it is by no means cooked. In fact, the Republican party of California has just handed him oven mitts and offered him a chance to take it out.

And I think he will. Maybe I’m screwy, but I think on October 8, the day after the special recall election, California Governor Gray Davis will still be California Governor Gray Davis. Moreover, I think he’s going to be Senator Hillary Clinton’s running mate in 2008 and the next Democratic vice-president of the United States. And after that? Oh, I think you all know what comes after that.

Don’t get me wrong, long before any of this happens (very shortly, in fact, and as a direct result of Davis’ pitch-perfect boneheadism), the state of California will have a bond rating just above Chechnya’s. Our roads and power plants will look like, well, Chechnya’s, and all the schools and businesses are going to–Come to think of it, let’s just stay with Chechnya.

But this is not about whether the guy is any good at being governor, or even has the slightest idea of what’s in the drawers of his desk. Governing is not his field. That may sound contradictory, or at least ironic, but it’s neither. He knows nothing about running an office; his field is running for office, and he is pre-eminent in it.

This moment in California’s political life is about survival and winning, and those are the two things Gray Davis does better than anyone I’ve ever seen. They are the things his soul vibrates to like a tuning fork, the things God created him to do as surely as He created Shakespeare to write, and (What a smart move!) they are the very things Davis has just been dared to do by San Diego Representative Darryl Issa and the Republican party. I believe we’ve just seen the greatest electoral miscalculation since Gary Hart said, “If you think I’m lying, just follow me around.”

I just realized something. Do any of you know what I’m talking about? Is the Gray Davis thing a national story? It bounced around a bunch of papers, but state races are usually only known to people in the state.

I like to think I’m at least a little in touch with national news, but, to be honest, I’m not even sure I could name any other governors. Can anyone? Wait. Pataki in New York. Okay, that’s one. The guy in Illinois who did the death penalty thing–but I don’t know his name. Oh, Bush in Florida (duh). Okay, that’s two. Parris Glendening used to be governor of Maryland, right? But I think the only reason I remember him is that a Kennedy tried to succeed him, and because he has one of those political names that is both fabulous and preposterous, like Estes Kefauver. (It was that one, incidentally, that gave me my first clue, even as a kid, that parents could be so dog-tired at the end of a day they might throw their hands up and say, “Oh, let’s just go with ‘Estes’ and be done with it.”)

Now, the reason I don’t know any other governors is not because I’m state-o-centric, or, frankly, have any feeling for California at all over Ohio or Alaska. It’s a fine place, you understand, with far more terrific people than you might think, and you never need a winter jacket, or even underwear (I use both, by the way). I live here for a reason, though: If you want to make steel, go to Pittsburgh. (Not any more, come to think of it, but you know what I mean.) Maybe it’s because people in my line have a little circus blood in us, but where I live at any given moment matters to me as much as whether or not Mr. Clinton wore briefs or boxer shorts, and that matters to me very little. If you ask, “Do you like living in Los Angeles?” I would say, “My family is here, our house is here, I work here, it’s in America, the stores have food and liquor. So, yeah, I suppose I like Los Angeles.”

I’m pretty sure that’s it, though, for governors. I don’t know any others. Some in the past, I guess. Cuomo. Ann Richards, right? Tommy Thompson used to be governor of Wisconsin, I think, before he became . . . whatever he is now. Well, Wallace in Alabama, but who wants to be known for that? Hold it. Is Sununu’s kid governor of New Hampshire? (Is anyone, now that I mention it?) Wait. Dean was Vermont, right? I guess we all know that one; the fun’s just started with him.

I know who the last few governors of California were, because, again, this is where I live and drive around, and if there are two things that are difficult to miss on billboards, it’s a candidate’s loopy grin, and the crotch of a Calvin Klein model, which, come to think of it, is much the same thing.

So. Gray Davis. I know, technically, there’s a provision in the state constitution for recalls, but I think it should only be used if the guy commits a crime, not just for being a giant turd. Is everyone going to use it against everyone else from now on? More important, though, I don’t know why this trip helps anyone. If Davis wins, he’s St. George against the Republican dragon. If he loses, what Republican wants to claim credit for the next few years anyway? And I still don’t think the guy is going to lose. He’s a genius at exactly all the stuff that’s about to happen.

HE’S BEATEN MILLIONAIRES, and up-and-coming women, and every single human he’s ever run against. No one sees it coming, and everyone writes him off, but he’s like a truck going five miles an hour. He’s the third one on everybody’s list after the first two guys kill each other, the tortoise crawling across the finish line. And he’s never lost to a hare.

He raises money faster than the Lincoln bedroom, creates more patronage jobs than Boss Tweed, and there are more rigidly loyal people who need him in power for their livelihoods than in Falluja. He’s instinctively brilliant about things like rallying Democrats against “the outside forces arrayed against him” by bringing in the outside forces of Bill and Hillary Clinton, who will both be here soon and often.

Gray Davis played off the state’s entire energy crisis on Enron, and, listen to me, no one noticed. In a state where the governor, lieutenant governor, attorney general, senate, assembly, and dog catcher are Democrats, he effectively portrayed the budget crisis as the fault of Republican obstructionism, and now that the senate passed a compromise, he can say, “See? It wasn’t just me.” And he’s invisible whenever anything goes wrong. This guy is great at street fighting, and he’s just been challenged to a street fight.

Remember the end of “Gladiator”? They brought in the retired champ from Gaul to fight Russell Crowe. The guy had never been defeated, not even close. Of course, in the movie, Russell Crowe beat him easily. In the movie.

In a real coliseum–which is what politics is–I think the guy from Gaul would have had the moves, the experience, and the will to slice the newcomer up like smelly cheese. And he didn’t look like the type to show mercy.

The Republicans have just given Gray Davis a trident and one of those spiked-ball-on-a-chain things. And they’ve opened the door to the arena and held out their hands, smiling, and invited him into combat. He’s been called back to the place where he’s undefeated, to do the one thing he truly and completely understands, and at which he’s been perfect.

And he doesn’t look very much like the type to show mercy, either.

Larry Miller is a contributing humorist to The Daily Standard and a writer, actor, and comedian living in Los Angeles.