In no particular order: Billy Crystal’s hosting performance — his ninth — was mixed. But he scored a great line early on, telling us to enjoy the evening. “Because nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.” The Oscars usually start with the Best Supporting Actor and Actress categories: Having bigger awards given out right away gives people a reason to tune in from the beginning. This year, though, they started with Best Cinematography and Art Direction. How many disappointed viewers are there, people who sat through the red carpet coverage expecting to see something audience-friendly soon after? After one of those long montages in which the Academy reminds us that its members once made great movies: “That’s when movies were actually made on film.” That’s not a joke, Billy; that’s a fact. Nobody at this party had any clue why J-Lo and Cameron Diaz decided to show off their booties while presenting Best Makeup. Apparently, showing nipple wasn’t quite enough for the recently single J-Lo. “‘Please wrap up.’ I’m sorry, I’m wrapping up. I’m freaking out!” Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress. Everyone loves a nervous acceptance speech from a came-out-of-nowhere-winner. Sound Editing and Sound Mixing: Or, the categories that allow “Transformers 3” to call itself Oscar-nominated. (Okay, it was nominated for Best Visual Effects, too.) Billy Crystal gets huge applause as he steps onto the stage. I suspect people are just glad that James Franco and Anne Hathaway aren’t back. “No baseball film has ever won Best Picture.” Thank you, Academy, for a completely irrelevant fact. I suppose no curling film has ever won Best Picture, either. If you want to promote your movie, you have to be a presenter. Despite this being movie’s biggest night, you will see next to no film trailers during the commercials. The Academy doesn’t approve those messages. “Oh, this is ridiculous,” a friend at the Oscar party I’m attending says on seeing the acrobats take the stage. But, c’mon — Cirque du Soleil is a lot more entertaining than the interpretative dance the Academy used to subject us to. “I am the happiest director in the world right now,” Michel Hazanavicius says on winning Best Director for “The Artist.” He thanks a lot of people, including the movie’s real star, the dog, and those who loved the movie. We thank you, Monsieur Hazanavicius, for giving us so much joy with your surprising, clever, moving film. It sounds so cliched, but in this case, it’s true: “The Artist” reminds us why movies are made. The opening montage, in which the host inserts himself into the major nominees, is always hit or miss. This year, I vote for hit. It was the second-funniest segment of the evening. It started out strong — George Clooney reprised his role in “The Descendants” to give a kiss to someone on a death bed: Billy Crystal. For “Midnight in Paris,” Billy Crystal was summoned to a car late at night — containing Justin Bieber. “Yeah, man, what’s up?” he asked Crystal, who seemed confused. “I’m trying to get you the 18 to 24 demographic.” You had to have seen “The Help” to get the joke there, though. But Crystal quickly got back on form: “Is this supposed to be a Scorsese movie?” he asked of “Hugo.” “Nobody’s gotten whacked yet.” “The Adventures of TinTin” was only nominated for Best Score, but Crystal inserted it in anyway. I think he just wanted to do his hair like the Belgian cartoon character. Not everyone agrees with my positive review of the montage, though. One friend asks: “When did this turn into a Regal Cinema preview?” “The Artist” is a winner, but not everyone in the country has seen it yet. So why did the Academy give away the best scene of the movie by revealing it in the Best Actor clip? Jean Dujardin: He speaks! Nobody has heard of this man a few months ago. This is one of those moments in which the Academy redeems itself. The second-best segment of the night: the fake focus group from the release of “The Wizard of Oz.” How did they manage to assemble all the greats from the Christopher Guest movies — including Christopher Guest? It was also the best critique of Hollywood present. “I’ve never seen so many unattractive people,” Jennifer Coolidge noted. “Was one green, or am I nuts?” Fred Willard asked. Christopher Plummer, the Canadian great, finally wins an Oscar — the oldest Best Supporting Actor winner at 82. He said he’d prepared an acceptance speech. “That was so long ago, mercifully I’ve forgotten it,” he joked. “I’m so proud to be in your company,” he generously says of his fellow nominees. But Jonah Hill? Really? Meryl Streep won Best Actress… because she’s Meryl Streep. “The Iron Lady” was a terrible movie, and while Streep was fine, it was by no means her best work. Perhaps that’s why she spent so much time thanking her makeup artist. (Who did win an Oscar tonight!) This year’s Oscar ceremony wasn’t one of the most memorable — even with a competent host for a change. But it ended satisfyingly, giving its top award to the deserving “The Artist.” Say what you want about the red carpet. My pick for best-dressed on tonight’s Oscar stage? That adorable Jack Russell terrier from “The Artist,” who sported a bow-tie.
