The only thing more gorgeous to gaze upon than Venice is Angelina Jolie. “The Tourist” packs them both. It also has Johnny Depp. Looking pasty and a little bloated, he may not be as pretty as his two co-stars in today’s fancy mystery thriller. But at least, usually, he’s cool. Unfortunately, only Italy’s sparkling City of Canals emerges unscathed in this stiffly performed, cliche-laden and uncomfortably old-fashioned ruse to put together two giant stars. Directed and co-written by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (“The Lives of Others”), based on another film called “Anthony Zimmer,” this is the Oscar-wining German-language filmmaker’s first encounter with Hollywood factory production. When the master meets the merchants, though, it’s a dearth in Venice.
With a terrible English accent, Jolie plays Elise Ward, the unflappable consort of a fugitive thief called Alexander Pierce. She hasn’t seen him in two years. He’s on the lame for stealing more than $2 billion (!!!) from ruthless gangster Reginald Shaw (Steven Berkoff) and stiffing the British government for more than 700 pounds (!!!) in taxes.
The murderous villain Shaw and obsessive Scotland Yard Inspector John Acheson (Paul Bettany) track Elise to find Alexander. Meanwhile, the mystery man seems to have enlisted Elise in a plan of mistaken identity: They could be using a mild-mannered math teacher from Wisconsin, the title’s tourist Frank Tupelo (Depp), to throw off the pursuers. Of course, the unlikely pair of Frank and Elise could be falling in love.
| IF YOU GO |
| ‘The Tourist’ |
| » Rating: 2 out of 5 Stars |
| » Stars: Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp |
| » Director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck |
| » Rated: PG-13 for violence and brief strong language |
| » Running time: 103 minutes |
Everyone chases around the exotic locale until a gimmicky ending, which doesn’t hold up to scrutiny from earlier scenes. Among the crimes against cinema here: There are egregious continuity errors — e.g., in one cut on a speedboat Jolie’s hair is pasted immobile, the next cut it’s blows severely in the wind — and a lack of sexual spark between the two headliners. Also, the bad guys played by the usually better Bettany and Berkoff are more generic than genuinely scary.
Donnersmarck seems to be imitating one of those formalist/flimsy movies of “sexy” international intrigue from the 1960s when the studios were clinging to their fading golden age. It might have starred an aging Cary Grant, a slumming Audrey Hepburn, or at least some stunningly beautiful sets, clothes and hairdos. People watched them because they couldn’t ever afford to see that world any other way and because they loved their larger-than-life stars however they could get them. So if you must, buy your popcorn and your “Tourist” ticket.
