We installed a new oscillator in the columnar time machine and gave it a full workout, investigating whether our financial welfare-cases are really “too big to fail.” Here’s what we found:
Cretaceous Period, 144 million years ago: “It doesn’t get better or bigger than us,” mused Arthur, snacking on a small forest, “a healthy pair of Seimosaurusses, more than 150 feet long and 200,000 pounds each.”
His date, Michelle, didn’t look convinced. “We’re Seismosauri,” she sniffed. “And I can’t stand coniferous flora. Why can’t we eat a valley of ferns or something?”
“I think ferns are dying out because the planet is getting warmer,” Michelle continued. “We dinosaurs produce far too much methane. You especially, Arthur. It’s going to kill the planet.”
“Arthur? Stop eating for a moment and listen to me,” she demanded. “Arthur, what are you doing?” Arthur gazed into the sky: “Does that look to you like an asteroid?”
Middle Paleolithic, 30,000 years ago: “Seven feet tall, overhanging brow, pronounced cranial ridge and as hairy as a bear! What a honey! Am I in love!”
“Her mom’s side is German, homo heidelbergensis, and her dad’s side is pure Neanderthal like us,” the swain continued. “She can carry at least 300 kilos of dried meat. What a girl!”
He grunted at 50 smaller, pale-skinned, hairless hominids emerging from the forest with malevolent glints in their eyes, bearing long sticks with razor-sharp, flint points. “Look!” he cried. “Homo sapiens! Maybe they want to play!”
Rome, 18th July, 64 AD: “Darling, your clever slave, Hilario, stuffed the dormice with herbs and pine nuts, then dipped them in honey. Simply delicious,” said Livy reaching for the silver flagon of Falernian black wine.
“And that romantic sunset is unbelievably red. But wait a minute. Why do I smell smoke? And why is Emperor Nero on his roof, playing the fiddle?”
Florence, 1340: “All modern conveniences,” said the real estate agent. “You can relieve yourself right here, in the middle of the street, and these ultra-modern, open drains carry it all away. No need to dirty your slippers out in a field.”
“Table scraps?” he continued. “With our high-tech disposal system, open a window, chuck out the garbage and our imported black rats remove it all, apart from what’s left for the lepers.”
“This is the healthiest lifestyle that mankind’s ever enjoyed. The foolish stuff about the Bubonic Plague is just dreamed up by the media. And believe me, these last few condo units are going fast.”
Montana, June 26th, 1876: “Come on, it wasn’t us,” he said. “It was some other white guys who gave them blankets infected by small-pox, stole their land and slaughtered their families. And that was four or five years ago, or even longer.”
“So, the Indians aren’t going to hold it against us personally. And even if they want to, General Custer won’t let ‘em.”
North Atlantic, April 14th, 1912: “I thought you said Weissberg, my kids’ paediatrician. If we hit an iceberg, why didn’t you say so?”
October, 1929: “He said, ‘Trixie, it’s called a margin. So I can buy $100,000 worth of stock for only $10,000. Then I can use the rest of my savings to buy you that diamond necklace instead.’ He was a generous guy,” she remembered.
“Two weeks later, he jumped from the eleventh floor of the Flatiron Building. But I’ve still got his necklace and I’m seeing another nice guy named Harold,” Trixie continued.
October, 2008: Investment companies carried 35 times more debt than equity and we’re going to borrow our way out of debt.
S. J. Masty, a former Washington speechwriter, is an international communication consultant based in London.
