It was the teensy Planned Parenthood cactus plants that grabbed my attention. Washingtonian magazine, catering to an upmarket and overwhelmingly liberal D.C.-area readership, recently ran a fawning article about Planned Parenthood of Metropolitan Washington’s six-month-old $20 million headquarters that was remarkable for not mentioning the A-word a single time. Although the article, by Washingtonian staff writer Marisa M. Kashino, did devote quite a bit of verbiage to delineating how the cleverly the new facility had been designed to thwart invasions by anti-A-word protesters.
The cactus plants, tiny as spiked hand grenades—or tiny as fetuses undergoing elimination by the A-word—are part of a strategic defense setup. Kashino writes: “Though the bright, modern interiors are intended to make patients feel at ease, they also cleverly conceal elaborate security precautions.” And the plants play their assigned role: “Cacti, placed throughout the clinic, look like cute decor, but their razor-sharp spines can be used to injure an attacker.”
And that is exactly the vibe that the facility in Northeast Washington gives off. A Washingtonian photo—of the three midget cacti in their three midget pots atop a “security desk” that serves as a duck-behind barricade should any A-word protesters try something aggressive—suggests that what the super-costly facility (come again that Planned Parenthood needs federal subsidies?) actually is is an oversize bunker. Green plants on or near the front desk are a cheap and common way for business offices to present themselves as human-friendly, but you should at least be able to see the plants. In the Washingtonian photo, you can hardly figure out where the cacti are for the enormous wall of white cinder blocks towering above them. And that’s it for signs of life at this gigantic but essentially empty-space facility. Kashino reports:
Maybe so, but Anthropologie and Apple Store outlets are actually crammed with merch (they sell stuff, you know), and Starbucks outlets are notorious for their long lines at the counter and cramped tables. Planned Parenthood HQ consists essentially of endless square yards of laminate floor space and colorblock walls adorned by austere black-and-white graphics of IUDs and condoms. Maybe those 12,000 patients that Kashino reports the facility plans to serve this year will fill up some of the vast empty space.
The creepiest aspect of the new D.C. facility is the window treatment:
“Large windows let in natural light but are covered with film for privacy.” How would you like to work for eight hours a day at a place where you couldn’t see out the windows? And how about this staff kitchen, which, if the Washingtonian photo is to be believed, contains no windows at all?
Not leaving the premises. That’s quite a workday, especially during the at least six months of the year when “outdoor” in Washington means pretty chilly. When I looked at the Washingtonian gush-piece, I had to wonder: Which is worse, being A-worded at a Planned Parenthood facility or having to work there day after dreary and sterile day?
