Pardon me. I’m feeling a little woozy — this column is spinning.
I’m still a little dazed after last week’s bizarre whirlwind that was the “Idol” top five. Everything was most peculiar.
First it was the speed: Fox jammed 10 performances into an hour, which eliminated first-round individual critiques and had stagehands and contestants scurrying between numbers.
Then it was Paula’s oddest behavior yet: This time, she began commenting at length about Jason Castro’s second song — when in fact Jason hadn’t performed a second song — prompting Internet buzz that she will soon be given the boot from the show (a rumor Ryan Seacrest put to the rest the following night).
Finally it was Brooke White, whose awkward bubbliness would have been the most irritating ingredient of the night were it not for her banal performance of “I’m a Believer,” one of the most cringe-inducing performances in recent memory. (If only I got to write who deserved to be eliminated AFTER the Tuesday show.)
Oh, and as the cherry on top, Neil Diamond was a completely lifeless host, a couple of heartbeats shy of a corpse and in dire need of a red-hot cattle prod poke from Seacrest.
Anyway, let’s move on to this week’s “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” night and hope for steadier sailing.
DAVID ARCHULETA, 17
» Murray, Utah
Can we just get on to the finals already? I’m truly running out of things to say about this talented tyke except that while he keeps stupidly grinning like the Cheshire Cat, David Cook is slowly catching up to our leader. The finale is gearing up to be quite a matchup: I want to say a Celtics/Lakers-style epic clash, but for whatever reason, I keep coming back to Haley Joel Osment vs. Bruce Willis in “The Sixth Sense.” I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but hey, sometimes when my brain goes fishing for analogies, it pulls up a rusted tin can.
Fuller Power Rank: 1
Vegas odds: 20/21
Turn up or tune out: David has to choke big time to screw up a spot in the “Idol” Super Bowl. Although, the thought of David rolling up his trousers, grabbing a 9-iron and trying to hack one out of the Barry Burn a la Jean Van de Velde is too funny to me. Shoot for the fairway, kid. Shoot for the fairway. Turn up.
DAVID COOK, 25
» Blue Springs, Mo.
I used to hate “South Park.” Right about when the show really took off, I thought it was mindless and agonizingly unfunny. Years later — let’s gloss over the accompanying psychoanalysis — I’ve come to realize that the show is certainly not horrible and at times it’s downright hilarious. The moral of the story is that Scott Fuller occasionally jumps to rash conclusions. (I used to think beer was darn gross, too — and you can imagine how that’s turned out.) I have yet to completely warm tothis quasi-rocker guy and his curious haircut, but a stream of nice performances has caused me to leave the door open. Most importantly, I am always drawn to the hype of a great and final showdown.
Fuller Power Rank: 2
Vegas odds: 20/21
Turn up or tune out: On rock night, Cook should really cook. Holy smokes, was that a lame line I just wrote. Turn up.
SYESHA MERCADO, 21
Syesha holds it down for the ladies out there as the lone cowgirl left in this rodeo. This can only mean good things for Syesha, as three hardly makes company when it’s all gents. (Urban dictionary: “sausage party” (noun): a social gathering in which the male guests vastly outnumber the female guests.) Syesha has been performing respectably lately but, as the polar opposite of Brooke White, she has demonstrated the charm and vivaciousness of a houseplant. Is this what makes her performances a cut below? All I know is that the recipe for superstar soup always requires a pinch of personality; Syesha needs a heaping handful.
Fuller Power Rank: 3
Vegas odds: 50/1
Turn up or tune out: There was a brief instance last week during Syesha’s soaring ballad when I was briefly reminded why there’s nothing like a young starlet reaching for the musical stars. Simon calls it the “magic moment.” Syesha didn’t quite get there; the moment passed; the pixie dust
dissipated almost as quickly as it had appeared. Tune out.
JASON CASTRO, 20
» Rockwall, Texas
It’s been growing harder to remember the time when Jason was my favorite. He’s the worn shirt in the back of the closet that was cool for a time, and you know for a fact you used to love it, but now it’s just plain out of style. But take heart: Fashion is cyclical (or so I am told). All it takes is the right party (like a “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” party, perhaps?) to get you to dust off that snazzy getup that’ll once again be cooler than a polar bear’s toenails. (Or not.)
Fuller Power Rank: 4
Vegas odds: 25/1
Turn up or tune out: I am fond of Jason as I am fond of Go Fish — oodles of fun for a while and then your “best thing ever!” claims feel rather foolish. Is this goof really an American Idol? Don’t feel too bad for Jason, though: In the words of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High’s” Jeff Spicoli, all he’ll need is some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and he’ll be fine. Tune out.
