Unless you live in Ohio or Texas today, you’re likely feeling a little left out of the democratic frenzy. Well, cheer up, comrades, there’s yet another momentous vote to be had (and in this case, you’re welcome to cast your ballot more than once!).
Tonight, the top eight men perform on “American Idol,” and by Thursday evening, we’ll know our top 12 contestants. These lucky few will be safe from the salvo of fast and furious eliminations they have endured during the past two weeks —but they will not be safe from the uncaring, bloodthirsty knife of truth we wield here at “Idol Chatter.”
Let’s slice and dice!
LUKE MENARD, 29
If there was one laugh-out-loud performance last week, it was Luke’s hokey Queen performance. If it seems as if soulless Luke’s singing is right out of a glee club, that’s because he has been touring extensively with an all-boy a capella group. Believe it or not, this sounds even lamer on TV than it does on paper.
Turn up or tune out: ’Till now, this carpet cleaner must have had pockets stuffed with shamrocks and enough lucky pennies to purchase a small country. Neon arrows are ablaze with indications that this guy is gonna go this week. Tune out.
JASON CASTRO, 20
» Rockwall, Texas
Much like wearing sunglasses at the poker table, playing the guitar during a singing competition just ain’t fair. It provides an unsportsmanlike advantage. Be a man — and sing, sing, sing your heart out!
Turn up or tune out: It’s becoming apparent that Jason’s not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. I’d wholeheartedly cast my vote for a dimwit were it not for the fact that this show is making me dumb enough already. Tune out.
DANNY NORIEGA, 18
Good ol’ Danny, with a personality big enough to fill the Grand Canyon and a sense of fashion to match, really stunk up the joint last week. He remains a personal favorite, but a likable demeanor and distinct style can carry one only so far. (What’s that you say, Sanjaya?)
Turn up or tune out: I like Danny’s odds of rebounding this week. You conspiracy theorists out there can expect kind words from the judging panel, which will want to slip this firecracker into the top 12. Turn up.
MICHAEL JOHNS, 29
Another favorite of the fans and Scott Fuller, this Aussie was merely so-so last week. A video clip of Michael’s tennis proclivity was intended to assign him a bit of a jock vibe, but I was receiving more of an upper-crust pansy thing going on. Ah, whatever. I’m still digging him.
Turn up or tune out: Consistency is key here for personable, cool Michael, but I’m very concerned the sky is far from his limit. Turn up.
DAVID HERNANDEZ, 24
I abandoned my preseason favorite last week and he made me pay. “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” was one of the best performances of the season thus far. Sorry!
Turn up or tune out: I am now convinced David has the chops to blow with anybody. But is he likable enough to win it all? Turn up.
DAVID ARCHULETA, 17
» Murray, Utah
I still don’t want to like David. And I still don’t, really. But I know when to eat crow. His performance of John Lennon’s “Imagine” was, as Randy said, “brilliant.” Bring it up on YouTube if you don’t believe me.
Turn up or tune out: I will have plenty of time to explain why I’m not wild about this kid — such as for example when Paula called his effort “one of the most moving performances I’ve ever heard.” She must not get out much. Turn up.
CHIKEZIE EZE, 22
» Inglewood, Calif.
Chikezie is only one bad performance from the highway home. Bonus points that he gave a shoutout to Donny Hathaway’s daughter, a backup singer in the “Idol” band. (I like it when they occasionally give props to the band.) She was probably thinking that Elliott Yamin did her dad’s “I Believe to My Soul” a whole heckuva lot better two seasons ago.
Turn up or tune out: Chikezie’s days are numbered, but the numbers may extend at least one week longer. Tune out.
DAVID COOK, 25
» Blue Springs, Mo.
Can’t the hair and makeup folks do anything about this poor guy’s ’do? Simon may have slammed David for a lack of charisma, but I found myself warming a bit to this self-proclaimed “word nerd.” What David really lacks is any semblance of memorable talent.
Turn up or tune out: A crossword for the word nerd: Your “Idol” run is _ _ _ _. (Think four-letter word, opposite of “under,” aka “The End.” Speaking of which …
