Welcome to Washington Secrets, where we have not been invited to Melania Trump’s premiere or either of its two after parties (I’m not mad, please don’t write that I got mad). But that doesn’t stop us celebrating the most radical first lady in history (disagree? email us at the address below). Today, as a new British ambassador arrives, we also remind you of recent scandals at the grandest diplomatic residence in Washington, D.C., and bring you Donald Trump’s familiar homeland security playbook …

The role of first lady has changed little in decades: Simper at one’s husband during the campaign and then, once installed in the White House, pick out the flowers for events and run a project based around children, food, or both.