As you may know, this coming Sunday is Father’s Day. Although the father’s impact on children’s lives used to be downplayed, today we understand that dads play an important role in child rearing and deserve their own special day just as much as other valued contributors to society like mothers, presidents, veterans, secretaries and groundhogs.
In fact, recent studies show that a father’s involvement is a primary factor in producing self-confident kids with fewer behavioral problems. Unfortunately, too many American kids grow up with fathers who don’t fully participate in raising children. Oh sure, there are the highly publicized cases of fathers who are so caught up in their kids’ lives that they can’t attend a Little League baseball game without being arrested for aggravated assault, but these Super Dads are exceptions to the rule.
Besides, waiting until the kids start playing organized sports is often too late. The studies show that dads need to be involved during the kids’ formative, or diaper-intensive, years. I should add that these findings are in no way biased just because the research was conducted by the Exasperated Mothers Institute of America.
So what can we, as a society, do to encourage more fathers to participate in their kids’ lives? The solution, I believe, lies in men’s love of competition. Given the opportunity, men can take the most calm, low-key activity — quilting, for example — and turn it into a highly competitive endeavor featuring heart-pounding music, cheerleaders, sideline commentators, fan Web sites, “fantasy” leagues and even trash-talking:
First Guy Quilter: “You call that piece of garbage a setting square? And that appliqué job looks like my grandmother did it!”
Second Guy Quilter: “But your grandmother does beautiful appliqué work.”
First Guy Quilter: “Oh yeah. Well, your quilt still stinks.”
OK, so it might take a while to work out the kinks. But the point is that we need to make fatherhood a more competitive endeavor. With this in mind, I have come up with a short list of events based on real-world parenting situations for dads to go head-to-head in.
Test of strength
Dad must take a child who is being toilet trained to a disgusting public bathroom and hold the child, hovering over the toilet seat, until the child is able to go. Half a point deduction for any contact that is made between the child and the toilet.
Test of mental toughness
Dad must read the classic children’s book “Make Way For Ducklings” aloud repeatedly as many times as his toddler child requests (minimum 150). Point deductions for any sighs, rolling eyes or other indications that Dad is less than delighted to do so.
Test of problem solving
Given a stroller he has never seen before, Dad must fold it up, then unfold it as quickly as possible. When, inevitably, he is unable to do so, Dad will be awarded points based on the distance he can hurl the stroller.
Test of endurance
Dad must tell a 3-year-old child that he or she has to, in order:
A. Turn off the Thomas the Tank Engine video
B. Take a bath
C. Brush teeth
D. Put on pajamas
E. Go to bed
During the process, Dad must give a thorough and accurate answer every time the child says, “Why?” Extra points if Dad is able to get the child to sleep before sunrise.
This list is, of course, just a start toward developing a comprehensive Dad’s Decathlon. I’m sure any fathers reading this can e-mail me at [email protected] with ideas for other events worthy of inclusion. The fathers with guts, that is. Not that I’d want to turn it into a competition or anything … .
Examiner columnist Malcolm Fleschner is still awaiting a response to his generous offer to share diaper-changing tips with new dads Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.
