Melanie Howard: ?Gilligan?s Island? in outer space

Yep, that?s right. According to The Associated Press, the Russian legislature recently turned down Madonna?s request to becomea “space tourist” on a flight to the international space station.

That?s tragic, because I would have loved to see her blast off, particularly if she agreed to sign Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, and Cruise-Holmes and Jolie-Pitt as crew mates.

Picture it as “Gilligan?s Island” in outer space, with Mel playing Skipper as a drunk anti-Semite, the Cruises as new-age Howells and Paris and the Material Girl fighting one another to play Ginger. Pitt can be Gilligan and the Professor, but buff, tattooed, husband-stealing Jolie as Maryann? Even my overactive imagination feels the burn. I know, let?s add Jessica Simpson!

This plan holds one flaw. The Russians would probably bring them back.

Aren?t you sick of these people? I think before any of us buys one more magazine with their smirky mugs on the cover, or tunes into one more tell-all, tell-nothing interview, we should give some thought to just why they are “famous.”

Madonna is technically a singer, but she?s legendary for offending people while wearing lingerie as outerwear. But now that every girl 8 and up sports Madonna-wear, she must up the ante to stay in the limelight. This month, she?s crucifying herself during concerts. Personally, I don?t understand why she bothers, since the critics always oblige. (“Swept Away,” anyone?)

Paris Hilton is an heiress whose trailer trash clothes and party girl lifestyle make her the idol of a certain precocious subset of pre-adolescent girls. I think of her as kind of an anorexic, slutty Strawberry Shortcake who always fights with her not-quite-as-famous friend, Nicole Richie, an anorexic, slutty Bratz doll.

Mel Gibson used to be famous for being both handsome and a credible actor. But after swearing his “Passion of the Christ” was not anti-Semitic, the police busted him for drunk driving and he blamed it on ? surprise! ? the Jews. Mel blames the liquor for his outburst. Gee, whatever happenedto the old standbys, “Officer, I only had two beers,” and “It must be my cold medication”?

TomKat are famous for worshipping a second rate science fiction writer and jealously guarding their privacy, except when appearing in multi-page photo spreads in Vanity Fair. So, Katie, you go out with an old (compared to you) guy and when he jumps on couches like a monkey and rails against psychiatric treatment, what do you do? Have his baby!

Brangelina are famous for being beautiful and having hot sex while working selflessly on behalf of the impoverished people of Africa and adopting multicultural orphans. You want to like them for their good works, but their “we?re so much better and better looking than you” attitude makes it impossible. Ever socially-conscious, Brad says he won?t marry till gay people have the right to wed. (“Whoa, where was that line when I needed it?” said my husband. Haha. Smack.) But, wait, Brad already was hitched! I guess he only supports gay second marriages.

Jessica Simpson is the dumb blonde du jour, no mean feat when you consider the competition. The long American tradition of dumb blondness has produced some interesting twists; like Marilyn, the sexy and tragic dumb blonde, and the exotic, diamond-enhanced Gabors. But Jessica, apparently, is a purist.

So, are you ready to write the Russian Parliament and beg them to reconsider? Afraid you won?t have anything to read while standing in line at the supermarket? Don?t worry! After all, the space station probably won?t have room for Lindsay Lohan.

Melanie Howard is a freelance writer living in Virginia and a National Magazine Award finalist published in Glamour, SELF, CHILD, Seventeen, Family Circle and other national magazines. Her columns also run regularly in the Waterbury, Conn., Republican-American and have been published in the Alexandria Times. She can be reached at [email protected]