Readers consistently rate advice columns as their favorite newspaper feature. It’s easy to see why, since these columns provide troubled citizens with a way to obtain desperately needed counsel, free of charge, from a person they’ve never met who uses a fake name and has no actual credentials.
But the unfortunate truth is that many of the folks writing in are only interested in advice that confirms the misguided life choices they’ve already decided on. Dear Abby and her ilk fail to understand this key point, however, and continue to dole out the same sensible advice that letter writers ignored the first time, when it came from friends and relatives.
In recognition of this underserved market niche, today I’m introducing “Ask Malcolm,” a new feature providing the kind of irresponsible guidance most advice seekers actually want. Enjoy.
Dear Malcolm,
I applied to and was accepted by an out-of-state Ivy League university, but going there would mean being separated from my boyfriend, “Kurt.” My parents think Kurt is a deadbeat because he’s not going to college and would like to see us break up. But I can’t stand the thought of being apart. Should I listen to my parents and go away to college or attend the nearby state school to be near Kurt?
Signed,
Struggling Senior
Dear Struggling,
You can get a college education anywhere, but you know that Kurt is truly one-of-a-kind, even if your parents don’t understand the depth of your connection. In fact, rather than attending the stateschool, just get a job and move in with Kurt. That way, you won’t have any homework to distract you from your No. 1 priority — making sure you don’t let this prize get away. Plus, you’ll send a strong message to your folks about who’s in charge of your life.
Dear Malcolm,
My fiancée and I will be getting married later this year. We already have all the appliances, china and linens we need, so we’d like to ask our wedding guests to contribute financially to our honeymoon. Is this acceptable?
Signed,
Harried about Getting Married
Dear Harried,
What’s unacceptable is the idea of anyone trying to get away with just giving you some cheap cloth napkins. Weddings are expensive and guests should expect to pay for the privilege of attending. Next to you in the receiving line, set up a collection box labeled, “Honeymoon Contributions. Suggested Donation: $250.” As you greet each guest, clear your throat and tilt your head toward the box. Then refuse to seat anyone at the reception who didn’t pony up.
Dear Malcolm,
I’ve been in a loving relationship for five years with my boyfriend, “Lester.” He is attentive, caring and thoughtful and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. There’s just one problem: He’s married. His wife is manipulative and nasty and he wants to leave her, but he says he’s waiting for the “right” time. But now I’m beginning to wonder if the time is ever going to be right. Should I stay with Lester or break it off?
Signed,
Worried in Worcester
Dear Worried,
Lester already has enough trouble with his rhymes-with-witch of a wife — does he really need nagging from his girlfriend, too? Be patient. You don’t want to throw the five years you’ve invested in this relationship down the toilet, so keep waiting, don’t mention it and that “right” time will arrive one day. Count on it.
Confidential to Exhibitioning in Exeter: Who cares what the “Neighborhood Decency Commission” says? You believe what you and your wife do in the front yard is art, and that’s good enough for me. If your neighbors don’t get it, that’s their problem.
Examiner columnist Malcolm Fleschner disregarded his editor’s suggestion that he not write this column.
