Much was made during the 2008 presidential campaign about the on-again, off-again, and now on-again friendship between John McCain and Joseph Biden Jr. McCain frequently sprinkled his remarks with “My friends” as a way to be inclusive. And now, Rahm Emanuel, Barack Obama’s “friend” from Chicago has been picked to be White House chief of staff. Is the term “friend” overused in politics? What has it come to mean and what is a guy saying when he calls someone his friend?
Friend comes from freogan (old Goth root) meaning to love. Friendships have existed throughout history and have challenged philosophers and social scientists who have tried to define them. Aristotle, who placed a high value on friendships, believed that good friendships took years to develop and that because they were so all-encompassing, one could only have a few true friends. He further believed one could only be friends with a peer (not someone from whom you could gain financially) and that, to be a friend one has to “share salt.” By this Aristotle meant that two people have to experience something difficult together, like go to war together. Finally, because friendship is such a virtuous state, only “good people” have the capacity to be a friend. Someone who is inherently evil or dishonest is incapable of friendship.
Today, we know that people with friends live longer and healthier lives, and that men’s lives are shorter than women’s. If men understood friendships better and relied on friends more, the quality of their lives might improve. My students and I conducted more than 400 in-depth interviews with men and asked them, along with other questions, how they define friendships, how they make friends, and what they do with their male friends. The men were racially diverse and ranged in age from 21 to 94.
Paramount for men is having a friend who understands them, gives feedback, and is not judgmental. Trust and loyalty are mentioned frequently in the definitions of friendship, followed by dependability. Men prefer the company of other men who “have their back” and can “tell it like it is.” Without these qualities, there is little basis for a friendship.
Making friends is accomplished by seeking commonalities with another man, meeting people through work and in other venues (like religious and educational institutions), and reaching out. The message is that a man has to be actively engaged in something if he is going to make friends. Being passive is not an effective friend-making strategy.
When men get together with their friends, sports loom large. Eight out of 10 men said they participate in, discuss, or watch sports with their male friends (think about Obama playing basketball on Election Day). Many men need something to do when they are with friends (what can be called a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship), and feel less comfortable than do women (who were also interviewed) sitting and talking without distractions (a face-to-face friendship). Clearly there is work to be done to help men build their friendships. Almost half the men, when asked if they have enough friends, were unsure or answered no.
Given today’s definition of friendships, consider what Aristotle might think about the use of “friend” in the 2008 political race. Aristotle would not use “my friends” to refer to large groups, given the high standard a person must achieve to be a friend. On an individual basis, McCain and Biden could certainly be friends as they are peers in the Senate and close in age. They also have a friendship of long-standing and have shared salt during difficult crises (e.g. 9/11) and debates around key senatorial issues (e.g. health care). But looking at the definitions offered by men in this research, I wonder how McCain and Biden could become friends again. Is there a high level of nonjudgmental communication, trust, loyalty and dependability between them now? I guess the wounds are too fresh. Are they hanging out together watching sports? Most likely, not. Do these guys have each other’s back? Not during the election, so it is hard to believe they do now. In fact, Biden called McCain “someone who doesn’t think.”
Yes, I know it is all politics and these are big boys who understand the nature of presidential races. But I keep thinking that Aristotle’s definitions of friendship are not what the men of today are thinking when it comes to friendships. And I keep wondering if politics trumps friendship.
Geoffrey Greif is the author of “Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships” and professor at the School of Social Work University of Maryland.
