After former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced his 2020 presidential aspirations, many Democrats called for him to drop out of the race he hasn’t technically joined and threatened to boycott him for potentially playing “spoiler.”
Schultz, a liberal activist, stepped down from the company last year in a move many saw as the first step toward prepping for a presidential bid. The coffee corporation and its former leader have been outspoken about issues such as gun control, gay marriage, and diversity.
Because he’d run as an independent, many on the Left fear he’ll pull votes from Democrats and help President Trump win. So boycotting the coffee shop he used to run struck many as the logical course of action.
There’s precious little evidence that boycotts work anyway, but to shun a company merely for tactical insidery Democratic party politics is weak tea. Here are some better, but still pretty lame reasons, you could offer to #BoycottStarbucks.
1. It serves pretentious drinks.
Home to the pumpkin spice latte and the unicorn Frappuccino, Starbucks will take anything you love and turn it into a shell of its former self. Do you like autumn? Here, drink it for $4.95 a pop. Do you like mythical creatures and sugar highs? Well, you’re in luck: Have some fuchsia and teal blended ice, which will also cost you the same as an entire sandwich at Potbelly. For that matter, you could get a fake plant, duck-shaped paper clips, or a bottle opener ring, each for the cost of a mythical-creature-insulting beverage.
2. It refuses to put cannabis in your coffee.
Recreational marijuana is legal in Washington state, where Seattle-based Starbucks began. So why won’t the coffee company give the people what they want? CBD-oil cappuccinos, please! If we can’t get marijuana matcha lattes in the Emerald City, what’s the point of picking the world’s largest coffee house chain for our morning brew?
3. Its employees spell your name wrong.
Dear Air Inn (Erin), if you thought your phonetically simple name could be properly inscribed with a sharpie, think again. And Jaramie (Jeremy), don’t even think about complaining when your decaf iced latte comes in a sippy cup with your name spelled like the that of the hero in a sci-fi flick. Don’t get too picky either, Kitten (Caitlyn).
OK, so none of these are good reasons to boycott Starbucks. But neither is shaming Schultz.
Let’s not threaten Starbucks’ bottom line. The real loser will be CEO Kevin Johnson, anyway. His only crime was dodging those weed lattes.
