When throwing a party for young children, parents enjoy a wide variety of themes to choose from. Many opt for something traditional like pirates, fairy princesses or dinosaurs. The kids themselves, however, tend to prefer themes from kid-friendly entertainment properties like “The Little Mermaid,” “Spongebob Squarepants” and “Mortal Kombat VII: Blood Reckoning.”
Truthfully, for many parents these days the party’s theme matters less than conveying an important underlying message, which is, “Look How Much Money We Have.” For these parents just hiring a magician is not enough. No, their little angel’s party must also feature — at a minimum — bouncy houses, pony rides, professional jugglers, fire-eaters, a team of shiatsu massage therapists, the USC marching band and a live feed of the orbiting space shuttle astronauts singing “Happy Birthday” to the guest of honor. Often today the only difference between a young child’s birthday party and the Summer Olympics opening ceremonies is that most children’s party guests are not required to furnish a urine sample.
By far the most egregious recent example of a parent going overboard for a child’s party is Long Island tycoon David H. Brooks, who spent $10 million to have, among others, Stephen Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith, rapper 50 Cent and saxophonist Kenny G play at his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. Now I know what you hip teenagers reading this are thinking: “That’s outrageous! Why waste money on Aerosmith or 50 Cent when the kids are only going to want to see smooth jazz legend Kenny G?”
I admit to scratching my head over the notion of a kid’s party with a higher price tag than, say, the cost of rebuilding New Orleans’ levees. I was raised in an era (the Pleistocene) when a child’s birthday party consisted of a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey (and, unless he was quick, pin-the-tail-on-the-dog) followed by cake and presents. The closest thing we had to a fire-eater was when my friend Billy Mezzetti burned his eyebrows trying to swipe a taste of cake while I was blowing out the candles.
But turning a fire extinguisher on a friend’s facewasn’t our only entertainment. At my mom’s parties the highlight was always trying to guess how many jelly beans were contained in a half-gallon mason jar. Whoever came closest got to take the jar home. Or, more precisely, got to try to spirit the jar out of the house while a dozen 8-year-old boys riding a serious frosting buzz assaulted him like a horde of refugees attacking a U.N. food delivery truck.
Now that our daughter is turning 4, my wife and I are courageously bucking the trend toward lavish, costly birthday parties. Not only do we strongly believe that such events are tacky and send the wrong message to children, but we also feel that kids should know how to entertain themselves and not need to be entertained constantly. Plus, we don’t have the money.
And so, while my wife spent the past week cleaning, preparing food, making decorations and coming up with ideas for activities, I’ve taken charge of the kids’ craft project. I haven’t told my wife yet, but the children won’t be doing the usual fingerpainting, spin art or paper crown decorating projects. Instead, thanks to my exciting “Kids Around The Globe,” theme, our young partygoers will experience a taste of life for children abroad by spending 11 hours in the basement hand-stitching inseams into Nike cross-trainers. Hey, since when is teaching kids a valuable lesson bad? And if it helps defray some of the costs of throwing the party, all the better, I say.
Besides, I’m not a complete ogre. Unlike some parents, I’m not going to make the kids listen to Kenny G.
Examiner columnist Malcolm Fleschner finds that being broke is very helpful in encouraging a strong moral stance on a range of issues.
