Malcolm Fleschner: This plan is subject to change

In an effort to provide you, the subscriber, with the best possible coverage, while at the same time honoring our recent settlement agreement with the Justice Department, we are writing today to inform you of the following minor adjustments to your health plan.

Copayments

In response to subscriber requests for less complicated copayment guidelines, patients will no longer be responsible for copays of $10 for visits to general practitioners within the plan, $25 for general practitioners outside the plan, $35 for specialists within the plan and $50 for specialists outside the plan. Under the new, simplified plan, patients will simply be responsible for providing full payment for services rendered at the time of each office visit.

Customer Service

ExtraHealthyChoicePlus is responding to an increasingly diverse subscriber base by expanding customer service offerings. Callers to the company’s toll free customer service hotline will now be able to hear a recorded message saying, “All operators are busy. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line” in more than 70 different languages before getting cut off.

Preexisting conditions

Previously, ExtraHealthyChoicePlus did not cover new subscribers’ preexisting conditions. Under the revised plan, however, subscribers will now receive full coverage for preexisting conditions, with just one stipulation. The preexisting condition must be “healthy.”

Choosing a physician

At ExtraHealthyChoicePlus, we understand that patients prefer the option of choosing their own doctor. With so many practicing physicians all across the country, however, such choices have become pretty daunting. To ease this burden, ExtraHealthyChoicePlus has substantially narrowed the number of plan-sanctioned doctors. To four. Subscribers are, of course, welcome to choose physicians outside the plan, but in doing so may incur a minor reduction (by which we mean a complete loss) of benefits.

Prescription coverage

ExtraHealthyChoicePlus has added the following subscriber benefits to our already robust prescription drug coverage:

» After telling subscribers that their prescriptions will be ready in “just a minute,” pharmacists may disappear behind the stacks of pills for no more than 30 minutes before subscribers are allowed to clear their throats and say, “Excuse me? Hello?”

» Subscribers given a choice between a brand name medication and a generic prescription are encouraged to take the less expensive, generic option. Better yet, maybe taking some aspirin would take care of your symptoms. Yeah, go with the aspirin.

» Half price refills for any subscribers who can finish their original bottle of pills before exiting the pharmacy.

Catastrophic Illness

Subscribers suffering a catastrophic or debilitating illness will not lose their coverage, as long as a relative, friend or guardian continues to furnish timely payments for the subscriber’s premiums, which will, naturally, skyrocket.

Dental plan

We are pleased to report that there has been no change to your dental coverage. You still don’t have any.

Please sign and return this document promptly to guarantee that you do not suffer a lapse in coverage. Doing so also indicates that you understand that most perceived ailments will probably go away on their own without requiring medical attention. Remember, doctors will always find something wrong with you — that’s their job. So the only guaranteed way to avoid being diagnosed with an illness is to avoid going to a doctor in the first place.

Otherwise, thanks again for continuing your subscription to the ExtraHealthyChoicePlus plan and good luck staying healthy. Lord knows you’ll need it.

Examiner columnist Malcolm Fleschner is thinking of switching to a faith-based health care plan. Please pray for him.