Maybe if we all suffered more, our lives wouldn’t be so painful.
In Brave New World, Aldous Huxley’s prophecy for the 21st century, a young man believes he should be able to suffer, so he claims the right to be unhappy. American parents should encourage their children to do the same.
Our own craving for ease could explain this month’s college admissions scandal, where dozens were indicted for parental bribes that got unexceptional rich kids into prestigious schools. Parents knew their children were unwilling to put in the work to achieve that status symbol. So they did it themselves.
It’s a case of “snowplow parenting,” a more aggressive form of helicopter parenting: Instead of hovering, parents bulldoze their children’s problems out of the way.
Gregory Moffatt, author of The Parenting Journey and professor of psychology at Point University, says he’s seen it in the classroom. Moffatt says some students come to college with “a diminished capacity to problem-solve.” They’re not incapable. They’ve just never had to practice.
“This is not by any means all students, but they don’t know how to figure out what they don’t know. And that’s where they get in big trouble when it comes to academics,” Moffatt says. “They just don’t do it. And I say, ‘Where’s your stuff?’ ‘Oh I didn’t know how to do it.’ Well, dude, that doesn’t work in the real world.”
Over-involved parents even excuse their children’s delinquent behavior. When Moffatt was university dean some years ago, a group of students was caught stealing from vending machines. On top of other offenses, the theft got them suspended. Their parents weren’t happy with the optics, though.
“A mom comes in and is furious that their suspension letter had the word ‘stealing’ in it,” Moffatt says. “I’m like, ‘What word do you want?’ I was befuddled.”
Snowplow parents imbibe the fallacy of Brave New World, the idea that causes one leader of the dismal utopia to recommend taking a side-effect-free happiness drug called soma. Huxley calls the drug “Christianity without tears.” But the protagonist John insists he doesn’t want comfort. “I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin,” he says. “I’m claiming the right to be unhappy.”
Parents who choose to plow through any problems in their children’s paths aren’t making their lives better. They’re just making them more difficult down the road. If they want to prepare them for adulthood, they have to allow them to be unhappy.
