In 2014, author and psychologist Lori Gottlieb wrote an article for the New York Times about a study that found egalitarian, or “50-50,” marriages (in which both parents work full time outside the home and split household and childcare right down the line) undermine a couple’s sex life. “The more traditional the division of labor,” writes Gottlieb, “the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.”
Here’s an example. Not long ago, my husband was detaching a portion of my glass desk where the computer keyboard is supposed to rest. Naturally, this involved tools. So my husband grabbed the wrench and the screwdriver from our tool set, got down on his back on the floor of my office (the way a car mechanic would slide under a car), and proceeded to take apart my desk.
I felt an immediate rush. In fact, the experience was so jarring I told my husband as much in the hope he’d be inclined to pick up the tools again soon.
As unpopular as it may be to admit, egalitarian marriages are riskier than traditional marriages. For one thing, they almost always involve playing tit for tat — Who got up with the baby last night? Who’s responsible for making dinner? Whose career will take precedence? — which is a libido killer if there ever was one.
Money is also a source of contention. When wives make as much or more than their husbands, all too often, they use that money as a means of control. “When a man makes a lot of money and a woman doesn’t, there may be fighting over money—the actual dollars and cents of living and how she spends it. When a woman makes a lot of money and the man doesn’t, the fight isn’t exactly over money but over power: She expects to have more of it,” writes couples therapist Jane Greer, Ph.D.
When a wife pulls rank in this way, the marriage crumbles. Such relationships tend to follow the same pattern. First, the wife starts to lose respect for her husband. Then the husband begins to feel emasculated. And then the sex dies.
This may all sound rather blasphemous given our culture’s focus on sexual equality, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Sexual energy is predicated on the differences between women and men. Ergo, if a husband and wife become indistinguishable, the spark goes out. “In an attempt to be gender-neutral,” writes Gottlieb, “we may have become gender-neutered.”
Are there some couples for whom a role reversal can work? Perhaps. “But,” adds Gottlieb, “frequently I hear from husbands and wives who say they want progressive marriages, in which women have the option to do anything their husbands do and vice versa, then start to feel uncomfortable when that reality is in place.”
Does that mean men should stay out of the kitchen and women should stay out of the workforce? Or that women should never change a tire and men should never change a diaper? No.
It just means there’s a limit to how much men and women can move into the natural role of the opposite sex without experiencing an adverse effect in the bedroom. Couples who move with the biological tide, rather than against it, have the greatest sexual polarity — and thus the greatest sex.
Why would anyone want to mess with that?
Suzanne Venker (@SuzanneVenker) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She’s the author of five books, a relationship coach, and the host of “The Suzanne Venker Show.” Her website is www.suzannevenker.com.
