The latest Harvey Weinstein news, about one of his rape accusers telling him she loves him, should make all of us pause. Weinstein may be a womanizer of incredibly low character, but the last time I checked, this is still America — a place where no one can be convicted of a crime he or she didn’t commit and be subsequently thrown in jail. Or at least that’s the goal.
The most important takeaway from this new revelation is that uncommitted sex is rarely black and white. More often than not, it’s hopelessly gray.
An array of emails has now surfaced in that one Weinstein case that prove there was some sort of relationship between Weinstein and his accuser. The most significant email, in my opinion, is this one: “I love you, always do,” writes the woman after the alleged attack, “but I hate feeling like a booty call.” Her message was followed up with a smiling-face emoji.
Another email expresses appreciation for Weinstein: “There is no one else I would enjoy catching up with that understands me quite like you.”
This woman’s emails (just like the emails we’ve seen of college women who accuse men of rape after engaging in stupid sex) are rightfully being used to dismiss one of the cases against Weinstein, who may indeed be guilty of bad behavior. But immorality can’t be reason alone to send a man to jail.
Men and women are different to their core in many ways, including their responses to their own sexual behavior.
On average and for the most part, men can engage in stupid sex and go about their day. Women, typically, cannot. Women’s bodies are steeped in oxytocin and estrogen, two chemicals that together produce an environment ripe for attachment. Oxytocin causes a woman to bond with the person with whom she’s intimately engaged. It also acts as a gauge to help her determine whether or not she should trust the person she’s with.
Men have oxytocin, too, but a smaller amount. They’re more favored with testosterone — which controls lust, not attachment. That’s why women, not men, wait by the phone the next day after a one-night stand. That’s why the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” wasn’t titled “She’s Just Not That Into You.” When a woman has sexual contact of any kind, it’s an emotional experience, whether she intends it to be or not. The moment touch occurs, oxytocin gets released and the attachment process begins. It just doesn’t happen the same way for men.
Call it unfair, but there it is.
Despite beliefs to the contrary, the sexual revolution didn’t change the fact that women and men have entirely different needs and responses when it comes to sex. Many men will have sex simply because it’s available — in other words, because they can (as in the case of Harvey Weinstein). Women generally have sex for a different reason: Either they want love and think sex is the way to get it, or they seek power. Both quickly learn that neither comes without serious ramifications.
Men learn that women are not designed for casual, or stupid, sex. Women learn that sex is not the way to get love. (Sex is designed to come after the love is already there.) And using sex to get power may work in the short term, but as texts and emails now prove, most women do not walk away unscathed.
It goes without saying that Hollywood and politics are breeding grounds for stupid sex. It has always been this way, but it’s decidedly worse in a culture that promotes sex as a casual endeavor. “It is very difficult to see how we can simultaneously promote the trivialization of sex and treat sexual assault with the seriousness that it deserves,” write Elizabeth and Nathan Schlueter in What #MeToo and Hooking Up Teach Us About The Meaning of Sex. “If sex ceases to be about love, it will necessarily be about war.”
Again, uncommitted sex is a hopelessly grey area. Stupid sex just isn’t the same thing as unlawful sex. It can’t be. Uncommitted sex is too prolific, and both sexes are equally capable of being stupid or naive.
But men and women are decidedly unequal in their response to their own stupidity.
My mother would occasionally repeat the mantra, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Perhaps Weinstein should have considered this truism before taking advantage of the women he did. And perhaps someone should have warned women about themselves.
Suzanne Venker (@SuzanneVenker) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She is an author, speaker, and cultural critic known as “The Feminist Fixer.” She has authored several books to help women win with men in life and in love. Her most recent, The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage, was published in February 2017. Suzanne’s website is www.suzannevenker.com.
