Necco, the candy maker and distributor of the heart-shaped antacids that bewilderingly entrenched themselves in Valentine’s Day culture, has gone out of business.
Sweethearts won’t be flying off the shelves this year, and — cover your ears, Grandma — good riddance. Now that we’re finally free from the pretense that anyone liked these candies, we can stick to the good stuff. To help, here’s a ranking of Valentine’s candies from worst to best.
Sweethearts
Do you enjoy chewing aspirin? Do you like the texture of chalk? Do you like the noncommittal flavor of La Croix? If so, then this is the candy for you. It feels like chewing on a tablet of retainer cleaner, but none of that matters because the hearts say all that needs to be said. “Be Mine.” “Kiss Me.” It will make you forget you’re basically munching on medicine.
Heart-box chocolates
For the lover who aspires to live in a rom-com, the heart-shaped box of chocolates is a go-to. It’s romantic without being over the top, it’s cliche without feeling stale, and it’s predictable. The box even comes with convenient labels so you know exactly what you’re getting into when you pick a chocolate. If only you could say the same for your relationship.
Hershey’s Kisses
These are the white Converse of candy. They look good, they go with everything, and they’re neither offensive nor exciting. Feel free to keep a bag of these lying around, but don’t give them to your significant other unless you save some for yourself to drown your sorrows when they leave you for some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Ferrero Rocher chocolates
These chocolate hazelnut goodies say, “I’m Italian. I have good taste. And I know how to pronounce Ferrero Rocher.” High on pretension and low on flavor, these chocolates are a good choice for a first date, just not months into the relationship when you’d rather get Uber Eats together than go out.
Reese’s peanut butter hearts
The MVP of chocolate candy is any kind with peanut butter. Cleverly disguised as a Valentine’s candy (look, it’s a heart!), the peanut butter goodness is really just the year’s best candy dressed up for the season. It’s delicious and even fake healthy: Peanut butter comes from a nut. Cocoa comes from trees.
A block of dark chocolate
A Belgian 72 percent cacao dark chocolate bar pairs well with red wine, red roses, and red lips. It’s sophisticated, simple, and strong. Break off chunks at at time to savor or, honestly, use the whole block to smash that spider on the counter. It’s multipurpose, and it won’t judge you for employing it as you see fit. Vive l’amour.
