In a Christmastime feature titled “The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting,” the New York Times describes the stress and anxiety helicopter parents place on themselves.
The author doesn’t use the term “helicopter parenting” or “over-parenting,” but instead calls it “intensive parenting.” This style of being a mother or father is mostly “child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labor intensive and financially expensive.” The piece makes it clear that this is mostly an issue with “white, upper-middle-class American culture,” though “researchers say the expectations have permeated all corners of society, whether or not parents can achieve them.”
Having lived outside Washington, D.C., with four kids for nearly 10 years, I can relate to the desire and pressure to give kids every means possible to succeed: The best education, music lessons, sports groups, language skills. I too have felt anxiety that with limited financial means, the family budget and parent time between four kids is stretched, and so are their opportunities.
The article described how this style of parenting consumes parents’ lives. But there isn’t much benefit for the children, either.
What goes barely mentioned by the Times is the parents’ sense of omnipotence and control. Parents think that with enough nurture, they can tame a child’s capricious nature. In fact, there’s good evidence this effort can backfire and create a generation of children so used to their parents handing them golden opportunities at every turn that they didn’t know how to create their own opportunities as adults.
Better to give kids the best opportunities a parent can, within their means, while still allowing the child to develop a healthy sense of independence and responsibility. Doing otherwise isn’t properly called “intensive parenting.” If your child never learns to be an adult, were you ever really “parenting” at all?
