Some conversations are tougher than others.
A nurse once pulled me aside to talk about my mom. She said, “Your mom can’t really swallow on her own anymore. We can consider putting in a feeding tube.” A doctor came to my wife and said, “We are pretty sure the cancer has spread, and fluid is now building up on her heart. We could try surgery to give her a few more weeks or months, otherwise her time is very short.” In the last two years, my wife and I have both lost our mothers. Their final years taught us a lot about dignity, compassion and the importance of family.
In 2006, there were 37 million people age 65 and over living in the United States; and of those, more than 5.3 million are over the age of 85. On the page of this newspaper, these are only statistics — but each one represents someone’s mom or dad — maybe yours — or maybe it is you they represent.
If you or someone you love is closer to 70 than to 50, it is time for you to have “the talk.” When I say this to young people, they usually think of the time their mom or dad attempted a fumbled explanation of where babies come from — but this “talk” is not about the beginning of life — it is about the end.
The Bible says that anyone who wants to obey God must care for their aging parents and grandparents. It is not negotiable.
“But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God … If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:4,8).
Though we live in a culture that de-values our seniors and considers “social security” to be a government responsibility, it is not. Walking through the valley of the shadow of death with those who have lived full lives is the privilege and the solemn responsibility of every family. So, if you have aging parents or grandparents, you have a sacred responsibility for their care. If you are facing your twilight years, there is an important conversation you need to have with your family.
Ideally, it will go something like this: A son or a daughter (or an adult grandchild) will approach mom or dad and gently state the obvious, “Mom, Dad, your final years in this life are approaching, and your strength and health will almost surely diminish. So, what are WE going to plan to do if that day comes?”
Then, the conversation can turn to where Mom or Dad want to live out their last years, how the family will know that it is time to make a change in living arrangements, etc. It will be important for siblings to talk together as well. Things like living wills and medical powers of attorney can be discussed and so on. My mom chose to live her last years in a church-sponsored retirement community near her home, where many of her friends had also lived. My wife’s mom chose to live her final years in our home, though it was a tough choice for her to leave Southern California to come here to a land that seemed like a frozen forest to her.
It always seems inconvenient to have the “talk.” It is uncomfortable for both generations — but it is the loving thing to do. When the nurse brought me the sad news that my mom’s days were nearly gone, I had no doubt as to her intentions. We had in writing that she absolutely did not want a feeding tube.
For nearly a week, my brother and I, along with our families, stayed with her until she left our arms for the only “One” who loved her more than we do. When my wife received the bad news about her mom’s cancer, Mom came back to our house — that had finally become “home” for her. With the help of the angels of hospice care, she passed peacefully into heaven. My wife and I both wish we had had the “talk” with our moms earlier in their lives and in more detail. We made lots of mistakes in caring for them but consider it to be one of the most important things God will ever entrust us to do.
