Like many single people, Lorna Dudash, of Aloha, Ore., was feeling desperate, alone and out of options. Worried that, at 45 years old, her chances of meeting the man of her dreams were slipping away, Ms. Dudash did what any lonely individual who had mistakenly consumed a gallon of cough syrup would do: She called 911.
According to published reports, Ms. Dudash asked the 911 operator for the name of the officer who’d just been to her house investigating a neighbor’s noise complaint. He was a real “cutie pie,” she said, and dialing 911 was the only way she could think of to reach him. Could the fine uniformed piece of man meat return to her house so the two could get better acquainted, she inquired?
Well, in Aloha, Ore., officials take the words “to protect and serve” seriously, so the operator immediately dispatched the officer in question directly to Dudash’s home — whereupon he promptly arrested her for misusing the 911 system.
Sure, we can laugh at the clueless Ms. Dudash (although our laughter is nothing compared to the ribbing Officer Cutie Pie is probably still getting back at the station). But can you really blame her, considering the barren dating landscape most single people face?
The biggest problems with single people today is their overly high expectations, a direct result of the widely propagated notion that “there’s someone out there for everyone.” This is one of those lies we, as a culture, collectively cling to because otherwise we couldn’t make it through the day. Others include, “If you set your mind to it, you can accomplish anything,” “Cheaters are only cheating themselves” and “It’s probably just a cold sore.”
Realistically, if there’s someone for everyone, we’re in a lot of trouble. I mean, have you taken a look around a mall food court recently? And by the way, “everyone” includes evil people like Osama bin Laden. What if you’re “the one” for him?
Dating service employee: “I may have found your perfect guy. He’s rugged and outdoorsy, but I hear he’s also really loaded. He may be some kind of movie producer — I know he releases lots of videos. His interests include cave exploring, beard grooming and something called ‘jihad.’ I think that may be a Middle Eastern delicacy. He does have eight wives already. Is that going to be a problem?”
In recent years, Internet chat rooms have dramatically altered the dating picture. Eligible singles can now go online and meet up with others who share their interest in poor spelling and ignorance of basic grammar. But making a love match in cyberspace has its risks. We’ve all heard horror stories about relationships that blossomed online, only to fall apart when the prospective partners finally meet face-to-face and the new soulmate turns out to have fudged the truth about his weight, age, gender and prison record. Or not being an FBI agent.
Despite these challenges, I still believe that singles can find love. In fact, thanks to a July 26 news item, I’m beginning to reconsider my stance on the whole soulmate concept. The item involves one Tyler Engelhard, a Candor, N.Y., resident who was arrested after calling 911 because, as he told officers, he “wanted to see a hot chick.”
Hey, I don’t have to get hit in the head with a pet rock to recognize a trend. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I feel that New York and Oregon should arrange for potential lovebirds Tyler Engelhard and Lorna Dudash to perform their community service together.
Not only is it the right thing to do, but it may be the only way to get these two to stop calling 911.
During his single days, Examiner columnist Malcolm Fleschner had many dates conclude with a call to the police.
