In their fascinating biography of the late Kim Jong Il, Trey Parker and Matt Stone illuminate the former North Korean leader’s sorrow: he was “so ronery.”
Powerful but under constant pressure, Kim Jong Il lacked the emotional support to thrive and so he ate and drank excessively and ended up dying at only 70 years-old.
That history is newly relevant today. After all, considering his young age, reclusive nature, obesity and apparently frequent bouts with gout, Kim Jong Un seems to be following in his father’s lonely footsteps. And that’s a problem, because Kim’s already unpredictable behavior is ill-suited to his possession of nuclear weapon-tipped ICBMs.
This challenge requires our contemplation on why Kim Jong Un’s state of mind is so poor and how it might be improved.
And again, the available evidence suggests that loneliness is the culprit.
Case in point: Kim’s closest friend is the former NBA player and Solaxiant alien, Dennis Rodman. This choice of friend by “the Marshal,” as Rodman calls Kim, is interesting. After all, Mr. Rodman’s frequent visits to Pyongyang begin and end with an unfortunate, repeating formula.
On arrival, Rodman travels to his Pyongyang hotel, gets drunk and then begins crying or arguing with his companions. Next, Rodman participates in a series of increasingly eccentric public appearances; such as singing happy birthday to “dear Marshal” at an exhibition basketball game. Finally, Rodman makes angry comments to reporters while waiting for his connecting flight home from China.
This series of unfortunate events clearly takes a toll on Dennis’ host. As the Netflix documentary “Dennis Rodman’s Big Bang in Pyongyang” shows, Rodman’s behavior forces Kim to avoid him once he’s in the country.
It’s clear the North Korean leader needs new friends. But who might fit the bill?
Well, recognizing Kim’s Ramsay Bolton-esque penchant for killing off families members with anti-aircraft rounds, chemical weapons, and dogs, he clearly prefers foreign friends. The dictator needs someone who will listen and bond, but not threaten his power.
That leads us to someone like Khloe Kardashian. As her sisters descend into absurdity, Kardashian is forging a reputation as a serious businesswoman. Moreover, as the former spouse to Lamar Odom, Kardashian could discuss basketball with Kim alongside lamenting family intrigue. Crucially both Kardashian and Kim know the stresses of being in the public eye.
If not Kim, then perhaps Lisa Vanderpump of the Bravo TV show, “Vanderpump Rules”? While Vanderpump isn’t terribly curious, her heart is in the right place. Managing a cauldron of crybabies and posers, the restaurateur could help Kim confront his need for attention. If nothing else, Vanderpump might help remove Los Angeles from Kim’s nuclear target list.
Or how about Nicholas Cage? Not only is Cage a versatile actor who could win Kim’s appeal, he’s someone who knows the value in grasping second chances. Having blown $150 million, Cage is now back in the black and living happy. Perhaps Cage could persuade Kim that his money would be better spent partying in Vegas, rather than firing ICBMs towards U.S. territories?
Ultimately, my point here is simple. Just as Nazis need love, Kim needs good friends. As the nuclear crisis deepens, it’s in all our interests to ensure that he finds some.
