Just imagine if all your wishes came true: In a surprise announcement, the House Democratic leadership (present and former) took full responsibility for the historic housing bubble and recession of 2008-10. “Our bad,” asserted former Congressman Barney Frank.
“We just forgot that threatening the banks into underwriting mortgages for those with no income and bad credit scores could backfire … And, how were we supposed to know the Clinton addministration would get Fannie and Freddie to lower their underwriting standards at the same time?”
Attorney General Maxine Waters joined in the apology, while delivering personal “thank you” notes to the same banks that President Obama himself had asked for help from during the crisis. “It was just a simple case of seeing all that green,” explained the AG. “It was so easy to demonize those greedy Republican bankers that we overlooked the fact we helped cause this mess in the first place.”
The San Francisco City Council today repudiated its “sanctuary city” status and issued a “heartfelt apology” for its “unfortunate actions” in support of “illegal behavior”.
“We plead ‘temporary insanity,'” commented Mayor Rev. Jessie Jackson, citing the city’s proximity to Berkley as the likely cause of its progressive infatuation.
“In retrospect, the chutzpah it took to think we could unilaterally thumb our noses at federal law leaves me speechless,” added the second-term mayor. Jackson went on to bemoan how illegal immigration disproportionately hurts African-American laborers — especially those at the bottom of the economic ladder. Mayor Jackson was later seen at a “Make San Francisco Great Again” rally attended by President Trump.
Also of note, the San Francisco school system voted to reinstate a mandatory “Pledge of Allegiance” and “morning prayer” in its school-day curriculum. “We decided a bit of patriotism and values education might not be so bad,” commented School Board President Saul Alinsky. “Things haven’t exactly improved since we removed God from our classrooms.”
Third-term President Hillary Clinton today produced the final batch of mistakenly “deleted,” “lost,” “didn’t remember” or “somehow survived a sledgehammer” emails from her tenure at the State Department. The president also issued an apology for the appearance of “pay-for-play” favors that benefited certain Clinton Foundation contributors.
In explaining her “mea culpa,” the president pointed out that she and her husband had “run Arkansas the same way — if you know what I mean … so we thought to do the same thing at Foggy Bottom. Who knew we were supposed to follow the rules?”
An angry Minority Leader Stephanie McMahon, R-Conn., dismissed the long-sought apology as “phonier than a ‘Monday Night Raw’ championship bout.” A non-plussed Clinton responded, “What difference, at this point, does it make?”
The Clinton administration today sent two Navy cruisers full of cash to Iran in what was called the final payment due and owing for America’s “blatant imperialism” and “wrongful actions against revolutionary Islamic governments … since the beginning of time.”
The money was accompanied by a “letter of apology” from the American people and included a promise to eliminate all aid directed to the “war-mongering” state of Israel, America’s former ally in the Middle East.
President Hillary Clinton signed a number of new bills into law today, including a new criminal statute directed to those who insist on using “Merry Christmas” during the winter solstice.
“Such incendiary language has no place in this multi-cultural land,” opined the president. The newly re-designated “Department of Fairness, Sensitivity, Egalitarianism, Tolerance, Acceptance,and No Privilege Whatsoever” promised to “prosecute any remaining remnants of the prohibited holiday … jolly fat guys with beards notwithstanding …”
A coalition of civil rights groups has filed suit against the United States government, claiming the proliferation of photo identification requirements violates the constitutional rights of 12 million illegal aliens.
The American Civil Liberties Union (lead plaintiff) issued the following statement: “Photo identification requirements are always discriminatory — whether one is entering a public building, purchasing allergy medicine or visiting the attorney general herself … How else are our uninvited, illegal friends supposed to live here if our racist society requires them to identify themselves?”
Attorney General Debbie Wasserman Schultz praised the lawsuit, promising to eliminate all required forms of personal identification — with the exception of those seeking to enter the Department of Justice.
Approximately 100 Young Republicans stormed the office of Dartmouth University President Elizabeth Warren today. No damage was reported. The intruders appeared to be from a coalition of groups, including “The College Republicans,” “Junior Achievement” and “The Junior League.”
A list of demands was soon issued, including an end to “free” tuition and grade inflation, a return to the school’s original nickname — “Indians” and restoration of “God” as an acceptable noun in the school’s speech code approved “Hymns in Chapel Services.”
Dartmouth Provost and former U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders decried the invasion, calling the protestors’ demands for free speech and respectful discussion “dangerous — really a hate crime — especially at an academic institution”.
NFL Commissioner Gloria Steinem today outlawed the “shotgun and pistol” formations.
“Henceforth, these formations will be known as, ‘We’re probably gonna pass,'” stated the new commish. She also promised to eliminate “other masculine, gratuitously violent” terminology from the game. Assistant Commissioner Cher confirmed a number of recently opened investigations, and openly questioned the concept of a “man-to-man” defense, “for obvious reasons.”
Gov. Robert Ehrlich is a Washington Examiner columnist, partner at King & Spalding and author of three books, including the recently released “Turning Point.” He was governor of Maryland from 2003-07.
