FOUR BIMBOS
Pittsburgh (2-0) at Philadelphia (1-1), 4:15 p.m.: Ben Roethlisberger is battling a sprained shoulder he injured when his attempt to jump across the Monongahela River on a Vespa went horribly wrong. For the Eagles, the return of receiver Reggie Brown means rookie DeSean Jackson should have a big day, including 100 yards and two premature touchdown celebrations.
Dallas (2-0) at Green Bay (2-0), 8:30 p.m.: I’d give this one 10 bimbos if it was allowed by law. Sadly, Aaron Rogers had to cancel a concert to make the game. The other members of Creed are not happy. I’m calling a Packers’ upset.
Jacksonville (0-2) at Indianapolis (1-1), 4:15 p.m.: This is a rare Week 3 must-win for the Jaguars. In Indianapolis, Marvin Harrison has been less visible in the Colts’ offense than Harrison Ford in The Fugitive.
New Orleans (1-1) at Denver (2-0), 4:05 p.m.: Jay Cutler was exonerated by the “Empty Hand” rule against the Chargers, but you can bet receiver Brandon Marshall always will have at least a cocktail in his hand before he leaves Invesco Field.
THREE BIMBOS
Carolina (2-0) at Minnesota (0-2), 1 p.m.: Vikings public address announcer: “And starting at quarterback Gus Frerotte. Now, put your hands together for the rest of your soon-to-be 0-3 Vikingsss!!!” Oh, by the way, Steve “Sucker Punch” Smith makes his Ali-like return to the field for the Panthers.
Arizona (2-0) at Washington (1-1), 1 p.m.: If Clinton Portis runs over the Cardinals’ defense like he did former Redskin Brian Mitchell during a recent interview on the John Thompson Show, “Jerome from Southeast D.C.” could be in for a career day.
Cleveland (0-2) at Baltimore (1-0), 4:15 p.m.: The Browns’ secondary has proven it can’t cover a french fry with ketchup let alone a receiver. If Joe Flacco stays sharp and the defense devastates Derek Anderson, it’s all she wrote for the Browns’ season.
Jets (1-1) at San Diego (0-2), Monday, 8:30 p.m.: Sighting a stagnant offense, the Jets signed Ed Dohaghy, I mean, Hochuli because, “he is a major weapon in the red zone and has the ability to change a game.”
TWO BIMBOS
Tampa Bay (1-1) at Chicago (1-1), 1 p.m.: Hugh Hefner treated Jeff Garcia’s former Playmate wife, Carmella DeCesare, with more respect than Jon Gruden is showing the Bucs’ former starting quarterback.
Miami (0-2) at New England (2-0), 1 p.m.: When Matt Cassel takes the field, he should receive applause from the Patriots’ faithful for his effort against the Jets, and directions to Randy Moss’ hands. The Dolphins should show up in London and act like they misread the schedule.
Houston (0-1) at Tennessee (2-0), 1 p.m.: The Texans are finding it hard to regroup after Hurricane Ike treated Houston like Ike Turner treated Tina. For the Titans, Kerry Collins is the starting quarterback and Vince Young is rewriting the Wally Pipp story.
ONE BIMBO
Kansas City (0-2) at Atlanta (1-1), 1 p.m.: The Chiefs are starting a quarterback named Tyler Thigpen and if you look carefully, you’ll notice Herman Edwards’ playsheet is actually a laminated help wanted section from The Kansas City Star.
Detroit (0-2) at San Francisco (1-1), 4:05 p.m.: Following Chad Johnson’s name-changing lead, Jon Kitna will change his last name to “Nostradumbass” for all of his brilliant preseason predictions.
St. Louis (0-2) at Seattle (0-2), 4:05 p.m.: I was so excited to have Steven Jackson on my fantasy team I bought one of those hats with fake dreadlocks to celebrate. Now, I’m 0-for-2 just like the Rams. In other news, the Seahawks signed a couple of fellows from Pike Place Fish Market to play receiver.
Oakland (1-1) at Buffalo (2-0), 1 p.m.: Al Davis said Coach Lane Kiffin is “not the man I hired.” What the old man in the bedazzled, white jumpsuit really meant was he can’t remember who he hired. Meantime, the upstart Bills are the talk of the league and, somewhere, Tim Russert is covered in blue cheese and wing sauce.
Cincinnati (0-2) at New York Giants (2-0), 1 p.m.: At least Marvin Lewis will get to see the defending world champions before he hits the unemployment line. Chad Johnson, you can start demanding a trade … now.
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