In these tumultuous times, do you have difficulty focusing on work or household responsibilities? Does life seem empty? Do you often daydream about excitement? Are you a basketball fan? If so, you may be suffering from a recently designated serious malady: hoops withdrawal disorder.
Experts at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention first began to detect this now widespread illness, officially dubbed HWD-20, on March 12, 2020. It emerged suddenly when college conference basketball tournaments began to cancel because of the coronavirus pandemic. That afternoon, the hammer fell: The NCAA canceled its men’s and women’s national basketball tournaments.
March Madness, our annual festival of upsets, buzzer-beaters, and Cinderellas, was declared dead at 4:16 p.m. ET (at least for 2020).
Doctors say the threat of HWD may be especially acute this Saturday and Monday, when the Final Four and national championship games were supposed to be held. Keep an eye out for delirious fans declaring their favorite team as national champion: The disorder is highly transmissible from these patients.
Symptoms
Soon after the tournament cancellation, millions of befuddled, disappointed fans were struggling to get their March Madness fixes. Symptoms from the early days of HWD-20 include:
- General malaise
- Extended ESPN viewing to analyze commentators’, players’, and coaches’ reactions to cancellations
- Frequent checking for news that cancellations would be reversed
- Unwillingness to erase games from one’s calendar
- Frequently checking one’s watch to see how long until tipoff
- Keeping a blank March Madness bracket ready to fill out
As time progressed, epidemiologists noticed additional symptoms:
- Difficulty finding other meaningful March/April activities
- Binging on TV or internet reruns of their team’s glory days
- Humming or singing Bruce Springsteen’s Glory Days in excess
- Immunity to “Get a life!” criticisms from unenlightened friends, family, etc.
- Praying that their team’s best player returns for another season
National Institutes of Health experts say HWD affects people of various ages, from teens and young adults to senior citizens. Seniors may be especially vulnerable, though, since they can anticipate fewer March Madness events over the remainder of their lifetimes than can younger patients.
Therapies
The national HWD task force has been working day and night to dampen the virus’s harm. At present, no vaccine is in sight, but industry leaders are cooperating to produce therapies for the millions of infected citizens. CBS is airing reruns of exciting March Madness games from decades past on the days fans would have been viewing the 2020 tournament games.
HWD-like symptoms have also been observed among NBA fans, Major League Baseball fans, and internationally among soccer fans. Health officials continue to monitor these developments closely.
HWD Testing
I should admit that, having attended a university where basketball is religion, I began noticing my own HWD-20 symptoms around March 12. As a true Blue Devil, I voluntarily submitted to testing and was HWD-positive. Personalized treatments for me included watching replays of the Duke vs. Kentucky, March 28, 1992, East Regional final (completed by Christian Laettner’s overtime shot), plus other key victories en route to multiple national championships.
I was at first disappointed that outlets ran Lehigh University’s upset of Duke in an early round of the 2012 tourney. But I suspect that such upset games can benefit those in the HWD-infected population who are also part of the extensive Duke-hating population. In the spirit of collegiality, I wish them well.
Basketball as religion?
But is basketball as meaningful as religion? I recall the Good Book mentioning sports. I know the Bible talks about baseball (everything started “in the big inning;” Eve stole first; Adam stole second; the Prodigal Son made a home run), tennis (Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court), and track and field. (“Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win!”)
As for the Bible, and hoops, NBA star Steph Curry often includes Bible verses on his shoes. A favorite of his: “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Maybe if I focused more on that rather than on my disappointments, my HWD would be mitigated, lifting my spirits.
Stay safe. And don’t forget to laugh.
Rusty Wright is an author and lecturer who has spoken on six continents. His film reviews and columns have been published by newspapers across the country and used by more than 1,900 websites.
