In an era where feminists seem to have most of the platform, some people think it’s hard to know what to do with men and the fathers they become. “Why Can’t We Hate Men?” bemoaned a writer in the Washington Post recently. There’s a lot of reasons not to hate men, but one of the many ways is to consider the good men do as individuals, rather than lumping them all in as a criminal, aggressive, worthless collective.
Part of why I don’t personally identify as a feminist is because I see all the good men do in the world. I see those good things so readily because I had, and still have, a great father myself. I wouldn’t know how to be a good dad because I’m not one, but I know what was effective, based on my experience and walking alongside many people who too had great fathers.
Remember that corny line in “The Princess Bride” when Wesley scolds Prince Humperdink and says, “We are men of action, lies do not become us?” Cheesy though it is, there’s some truth in that statement. Typically, men are more activity-oriented; they bond with one another through games, sports, and activities; hence the reason war is such a bonding experience despite the trauma. But for some reason, when it comes to being this way with their kids, that doesn’t always continue.
A good, healthy, stable father can provide much balance to a well-meaning mother. Where she is often more focused on tasks, chores, homework and getting to practice on time, good dads provide levity, laughter, wrestling, and fun. While I wasn’t one to engage in “rough and tumble” play with my own dad (we jammed to loud music), my dad often did this with my younger brother and I watched (albeit somewhat confused) as it became a highlight of his week.
In fact, he would work hard to please my dad — as Jordan Peterson describes in this fascinating interview with the author of The Boy Crisis, Warren Farrell — getting his chores and homework done, with the knowledge that they could wrestle at the end of the day as a reward. While many mothers typically don’t engage in that, and many fathers don’t either, initiating wrestling or rough and tumble play as a means to exert energy, learn boundaries, and bond is healthy and incredibly productive for dads and their kids.
As fathers and their children age, they should continue this trait of one-on-one focus, although it should shift somewhat. (Some fathers fade here, because playing is truly more comfortable than having the “sex talk.”) Instead of rough play, this similar, focused but zealous engagement, should take on a different tone.
Some men think fatherhood means providing. While food and finances is certainly an integral part of parenting in general, and many don’t take it seriously enough, many dads think that because their paycheck is directly deposited into their bank account which he and his wife use to provide for their kids, that’s enough. It’s not — not by a long shot.
As a business owner, my dad was a great provider. But he was even better at actively engaging in me and my brother’s lives. He went to soccer games, volleyball games, award shows, social activities, piano recitals, road trips, college trips, and more. What’s more, during all of these activities, he didn’t just show up — he talked to me and my friends. He got to know anything and everything about my life, asking questions, and inserting advice and wisdom along the way.
As my brother and I got older, my dad engaged us in the adult form of play. Instead of wrestling, we learned through work, talking about politics in long car rides, arguing about spiritual issues late at night — whatever form it morphed into, the concept was still the same.
Parenting is by no means a sprint but a marathon of the highest order: The father who actively plays with his children will have a seat at the table eight years later when the same child needs help with math homework, and again, ten years later, when he’s trying to decide what kind of vocation he should pursue, and again still later whether he’s pondering whether to marry this certain woman he met.
Still, this is all hard to come by and in fact, almost impossible, if the men who are dads have not learned to understand and appreciate their own masculinity in a healthy way. One of the many reasons feminism has taken such a firm grip in society today isn’t all due to the overzealous third wave of women who hate the patriarchy. Some of their hatred toward men is firmly rooted in the fact that they watched men fail to act like real men and so they were left disappointed, wanting, directionless, and hopeless (whether as children, lovers, spouses, or even friends).
Don’t misread me, I’m not saying men hold the key to happiness — but a man who doesn’t know himself, act like a man, and treat the young men in his life how to be one, is no man at all. This not only affects him but how others see him, including women and children.
Men who are at odds with their own masculinity might seem hard to spot — after all, men are just men right? But this is not the case. Men who fail to understand and appreciate their God-given masculine traits are those who use and abuse women, lie or deceive to get ahead, exert their physical or sexual prowess for fun or for power, and who belittle, connive, whine, or play victim to achieve a goal. The list goes on.
On the other hand, a man comfortable in his manhood will seek out other men through which to sharpen themselves, set attainable vocational goals and achieve them, behave in a straightforward, honest, direct manner, and treat all people with the same kindness and respect, regardless of their status in life. These kinds of men exist — we all know them — and they are the reason we not only can’t hate men, but should not hate men.
They are the reason our girls and our boys can grow up to be men and women of action and honor — should they choose to embrace the call of their own innate masculinity.
Nicole Russell is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She is a journalist in Washington, D.C., who previously worked in Republican politics in Minnesota. She was the 2010 recipient of the American Spectator’s Young Journalist Award.
