I’ve been playing soccer recreationally for almost 30 years now and, while I was never good enough to compete at the professional level, I don’t see why that should stop me from telling my children that I did.

My mediocre skills aside, there remains one thing I regularly do on the soccer field with every bit as much flair and creativity as the very top professionals: get injured. The catalog of injuries I’ve sustained over the years is lengthy, some involving body parts I’d never even heard of until the doctor pointed them out on my X-ray, often while saying something like, “But with the proper rehabilitation regimen, you should eventually be able to pee on your own again.”