Am I right or am I left? Am I up or am I down? Am I Democrat, Republican, Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange or Tapioca? Am I a liberal, or am I a conservative?
If I?m a liberal, I embrace everyone and everything and say no to the death penalty, yes to immigration, yes to helping all poor people by giving them welfare benefits so they can live the best they can and not starve to death. And yes, I?m against the war. Not just the Iraq war, but any war, even with Baltimore Gas and Electric Co. Love and peace and pot should be legal by now, dammit.
If I?m a conservative, I listen to Rush and Sean and watch Fox and really get into politics and the Senate and the Congress and our lawmakers who are trying to protect us from those evil Muslims. I?m not a big fan of minorities or gays and they all should be kept under control without anyone knowing what?s really being done. Everyone has a duty to perform for this nation. Our country was fought over our Founding Fathers morals, and I love the flag and the country and the flag and the wigs colonial people used to wear and the Star Spangled Banner ? and the flag!
But if I?m a liberal, I?m lining up with Franken and Clooney and Streisand and Hollywood intellectuals who have an open mind and hope the government will make things right again, so we can all hold hands, all of us of every denomination, color and religion and smile at each other and enjoy peace and harmony and not mug anyone.
But if I?m a conservative, I secretly drool over Ann Coulter and wish I could have an affair with her while I?m still married but preach morality to whomever wants to listen. My way is the right way and if you don?t agree, you?re not a real American and off with your head, idiot!
The real question is: should I really care one way or the other? Is it really that important with Americans of all colors and shapes dying every day ? or should I not even care about that?
Do I buy arms of all kinds and keep them hidden in the house because I have that right? Or maybe I should just break into the homes that have them and steal them because that?s what criminals do so they can carry that stolen piece for potential murder? But then, a butter knife may be all the protection I need.
Do I believe all the news I receive on CBS, ABC, NBC or Time, Newsweek, The Washington Post or The New York Times? Or do I believe Fox News, National Review, the Weekly Standard or the Washington Times? Or do I just ignore the whole mess and try to decipher terrorist clutter I happen to pick up on my short wave?
So, like Dorothy discovered in Oz at the fork in the road, do I go this way ? or do I go that way and meet a scarecrow that can sing and dance?
Do I waste all of my energy worrying about others who have a different opinion than my own or do I shrug my shoulders and agree that it?s a right every American has. If I disagree, do I get raging mad, curse under my breath and wish everyone would think exactly like me?
Or do I accept the different viewpoints that are inevitable? My personality ? is it Type A? Is it Type B, C, D, and sometimes Y? Do I go for the jugular or just the jug? Scratch or drink.
But no matter if I?m the Elephant Man or an elephant, a black man or the Black Knight, a bull in a china shop or a Chinaman in a bull shop, I?m still the same moron that received a speeding ticket for doing 50 mph in a 25 mph zone.
Now analyze that!
Steve Liebowitz is a prolific writer of books and articles including “A Consumer?s Guide to Restaurant Bathrooms.” His new book about Atlantic City?s Steel Pier will be released later this year. He can be reached at [email protected].
