Hughtopia isn’t like most utopias. It can be achieved. It is a world of 15-minute sermons, 20-minute after-dinner speeches and three-hour concerts where the main act starts on time and if there is a warm-up band, it isn’t awful.
In Hughtopia, all cable hosts are as pleasant and prepared as Sean Hannity, all radio hosts read the books of the authors who appear on their programs, and all authors are as terrific as guests as Del Wilber, Lawrence Wright and Robert Caro.
All reporters are as accessible and informed as the New York Times’ John Burns, Politico’s Mike Allen and The Weekly Standard’s Fred Barnes. The decision desk is always staffed by Michael Barone.
Children are not allowed near baggage carousels, ever, and people who stop dead at the top of escalators or the middle of walkways are removed by TSA agents to a room for re-education on crowd flow.
Deep-seated disagreements over significant policy disputes like same-sex marriage are not the captives of the extreme 1 percent on both ends of the debate, but occasions for genuine explanation of the beliefs and motives of both sides.
Presidents answer questions in under a minute. (Or sometimes two if China is involved. Or Greece.)
Some cable exec somewhere in Hughtopia calls Mary Katharine Ham, Guy Benson, Dave Weigel and Chris Hayes and asks them if they will sit down weekly to review the news with Brit Hume and Candy Crowley as the moderators.
Some other cable exec summons The Examiner’s David Freddoso, the Post’s Jen Rubin, and Politico’s James Hohmann and Maggie Haberman to a weekly confab on the Capitol’s doings moderated by Megyn Kelly and Charlie Rose.
The presidential debates are all moderated jointly by Bret Baier and Wolf Blitzer. They never use the “town hall” format, unless “town hall” is taken to mean that Townhall’s Katie Pavlich gets to ask the president questions about Operation Fast & Furious. (Hume, Crowley, Kelly and Rose are also eligible for presidential debate duties in Hughtopia.)
Augusta is always open to radio talk show hosts, and the Cleveland Cavs gets the No. 1 pick in the lottery again.
In Hughtopia, the Steelers lose 50 consecutive games to the Browns, Urban Nation dominates a genuine playoff in college football, and 39-year-old Derek Lowe wins 25 games and the Cy Young Awards as he leads the Tribe to their first World Series triumph since 1948.
Hughtopia will celebrate a 1980-style GOP landslide in the fall and a genuine reform of entitlements en route to a repeat of the ’80s and ’90s growth pattern. California Gov. Jerry Brown, D, will take a deep breath and do what his emergency powers allow him to do to save the state he loves. Ohio Gov. John Kasich, R, uses the oil and natural gas boom to revitalize the core of the country’s manufacturing heartland.
New York’s Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Philadelphia’s Archbishop Charles Chaput and Los Angeles’ Archbishop Jose Gomez explain at length and in detail why they will not — cannot — accept the Health and Human Services mandate requiring that they provide morning-after pills and sterilization to their employees at their dioceses, food banks and schools. The networks carry their presentation live, and allow equal time to the president or HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius to respond. The latter is not aired from the campus of a Catholic college or university.
The Occupiers are given their own cable access channel, 24/7, on the dial next to Vice President Biden’s.
In Hughtopia, @hughhewitt has a million followers. My Pinterest boards on “Influencers,” “Key Voices under 40” and “Real Reporters” are resources for bookers everywhere, and Biden agrees to a three-hour interview on my radio show.
A far-seeing impresario lures James Lileks and Mark Steyn into a touring road show, featuring not just sparkling wit but song and dance.
Finally, in my dream world, all Ron Paul supporters understand that my colleagues Bill Bennett, Mike Gallagher, Dennis Prager and Michael Medved welcome their calls and will give them as much time on air as they desire.
None of this is unicorns dancing on cotton-candy clouds stuff. Hughtopia is possible. You just have to believe.
Examiner Columnist Hugh Hewitt is a law professor at Chapman University Law School and a nationally syndicated radio talk show host who blogs daily at HughHewitt.com.
