Last week I was inundated with emails from people who stumbled upon an article I wrote for Fox News back in February 2018 about the Parkland school shooting (which I presume was resurrected due the more recent mass shootings), in which I point to fatherlessness as a major source of boys’ pain.
Many of the emails were from single mothers who, understandably, felt defensive—so much so they resorted to calling me racist for no reason.
But one of the emails was thoughtful and calm, and it highlighted an obvious and just as important consequence of father absence: mother absence. The email said:
Indeed, divorce doesn’t just lead to father absence but to mother absence as well. Not in quite the same way—most children of divorce live with their mothers.
But those mothers aren’t home. They’re at work.
The end result is the same for children whose parents are married but who both work full-time and year-round. These families function similarly to single parent families: in both instances, Mom and Dad are gone.
Even when the parents are home, they’re so drained of energy they have little left to give. That’s why, for example, no one’s in the kitchen anymore—it’s too much work to cook. The result? Childhood obesity has soared.
But children’s physical health is only half the equation. The other half is their mental health, which has never been more precarious. Is there anyone out there who honestly believes parental absence and disconnection are unrelated to the meteoric rise in mental health problems among our youth?
According to MARRIpedia, an online social science encyclopedia that translates the work of social scientists, “The early experience of intense maternal affection is the basis for the development of a conscience and moral compassion for others. Children whose mothers are distant emotionally or physically tend to have behavior problems and are more likely to commit crimes.”
Even if you were to reject the data and point to technology as the culprit for mental health issues in our youth, follow that argument to its end. Yes, media and the Internet have a huge influence. But guess why kids have access to it?
Because no one’s home. Or because when parents are home, they’re too tired to do anything about it.
Parental absence or disconnection—whether a result of divorce or of both parents being employed full time and year round—begins soon after birth, when too many babies are placed in the care of hired help for most of their waking hours. Fast forward 10, 15, or 25 years and they are still struggling—because their needs have never been met.
No one knows this better than psychoanalyst Erica Komisar, author of Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters, whom I interviewed in my last podcast.
“Parents come to my practice regularly to discuss symptoms their children exhibit due to their families having busier and more distracted lives, premature separation (children being placed in day care as early as 6 weeks old), and their parents’ lack of interest in nurturing…I have come to understand the connection between [depression, anxiety and addictions in older children and young adults] and the emotional and physical absence of young children’s mothers in their day-to-day lives.” she writes in the Wall Street Journal.
It’s not just enough for parents to be physically available—they need to be engaged when they’re home. They need to be sensitive to the irreducible needs of children and not dismiss them because they have other things to do. That isn’t happening.
All of which is to say, when children withdraw or lash out, or when they acquire mental health issues, the proper response is connect the dots. Parental absence and disconnection is rampant in America. The family unit has collapsed.
Did we honestly believe it would have no impact?
Suzanne Venker (@SuzanneVenker) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She is an author, columnist, and radio host. Her newest book, “WOMEN WHO WIN at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts,” will be published in October 2019. Suzanne’s website is www.suzannevenker.com.
