Does the culture have the same influence on women’s sex lives as it does on their dating lives?
That was the question posed to me in an email by a woman who had read an article of mine on the importance of being a “satisficer,” or not comparing one’s relationship to other people’s relationships, which is difficult to do in a social media culture where other people’s lives are a constant presence. She wanted to alert me to a new study entitled “Navigating One-Night Stands” that asked 990 women and men who had a one-night stand in the past year how often they had them, who they had them with, and what concerns they had about them.
One of the study’s main findings was the different response from men and women who rated their comfort level with casual sex as “extremely comfortable.” About 28% of men had no doubts about one-night stands, whereas only 16.2% of women felt the same. Moreover, on average women reported fewer one-nighters overall (10.8%) than men (14.6%).
Unfortunately, the article on this study missed the boat with its implication that societal expectations are the reason women aren’t more like men when it comes to casual sex. It even linked to a HuffPost article that encourages women to feel proud about sharing their body with strangers.
It astounds me that in such a short period of time what used to be so painfully obvious is completely lost on the younger generation. As a woman named Marie wrote in response to a recent Wall Street Journal article about modern dating, “My parents’ generation: dating, marriage, sex. My generation: dating, sex, marriage. Now: sex, dating, marriage (maybe).”
We’ve moved the needle ridiculously far. It’s one thing to be socially accepting of premarital sex in the context of an adult monogamous relationship and quite another to support and encourage sleeping around for the fun of it, particularly when that “fun” is mainly to be had by only one member of the human race.
The differences between women and men are vast, and in no domain is this more true than sex. Our bodies alone prove this in spades! If one body carries life and the other doesn’t, this clearly makes the sexes unequal. Newsflash: The birth control pill doesn’t change a woman’s inherent nature — it merely gives the illusion she’s just like a man.
She’s not. A woman’s need to bond with a man, to feel safe and loved and committed to, is crucial for her to feel secure enough to let down her guard sexually. That’s why she feels uneasy about one-night stands. Her body won’t cooperate.
It’s also why men, not women, are the ones who gain the most from casual sex. (To be clear: I’m not arguing that it’s “OK” or even good for men to sleep around; I’m simply pointing out why, from a physical standpoint, they aren’t angst-ridden when they do.)
Women just aren’t designed for one-night stands. What do we think all those films and television programs are about where the man and the woman have sex and he doesn’t call her the next day, so she thinks he’s a jerk? If women were “just like men,” this would never be a theme in the first place.
When it comes to uncommitted sex, women are playing a game they can’t win. Feeling “used,” or like a “booty call,” is the most common experience of women who engage in casual sex, or “hookups,” whether they’re teenagers or grown women. That just isn’t the case for most men.
Every American over the age of 40 knows this to be true, and adults in schools and at home are failing our youth by not passing this wisdom along — particularly when young people are bombarded with the lie that casual sex is empowering.
There’s nothing empowering about casual sex. Clinical psychologist and bestselling author Jordan Peterson put it best in this 2018 interview:
Indeed. And it is women who pay the most.
Suzanne Venker (@SuzanneVenker) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She is an author, columnist, and relationship coach known as “The Feminist Fixer.” Her newest book, “Women Who Win at Love: How to Build a Relationship That Lasts,” will be published in October 2019. Suzanne’s website is www.suzannevenker.com.
