Advice for parents of older high-schoolers: If you think the college search has been stressful, don’t look back when you pull away from the curb of your child’s dormitory at (insert name of your matriculant’s college or university here).
Let’s face it: It’s not just that that, compared with you, they’re faster, nimbler, 30 years younger, 50 pounds lighter, with darker hair, tighter jeans, firmer skin and are also capable of vast amounts of drinking at all hours of the day and night.
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I can hear you protest: But my kid’s different. My kid has at least the sense God gave a bunch of turnips. Unfortunately, that won’t be enough. And I shudder because, well, I’m on kid number three.
And if you need more, just ask the presidents and chancellors of more than 100 of the country’s best-known colleges and universities who’ve called for a lower drinking age as part of The Amethyst Initiative (amethystinitiative.org). Or the community college president (not an Amethyst signatory) who just resigned with a $400,000 severance package for drinking beer on a boat with his shirt off.
So while you’re waiting for the thick envelopes to arrive, practice gulping down tranquilizers by the handful and consider some of these exploded myths of college experience for “newbie” college parents.
Myth: Moving a child to college must necessarily resemble the Normandy Invasion. When we moved my oldest daughter into her freshman dorm a few years back, a nice young man helped us in the elevator with the roughly eight metric tons of household goods, clothing, appliances, books and foodstuffs she had packed. I found out in chatting him up that he was a senior. “I see you only have one suitcase,” I observed. He shrugged and smiled. “I figured out that’s all I really need.” So here’s a packing tip: Wait to buy the appliances. Otherwise you will inevitably move your kid into one fourth of a 10-feet-square “suite,” which, by the end of the day, will have four big-screen plasma TVs, four DVD players, four sound systems, four mini-fridges, four microwave ovens and four mini-vacs.
Myth: As “digital natives,” college kids are the masters of today’s marvelous array of electronics. This one will keep you awake at night. College kid calling home: “Hi Dad. My (insert ‘iPod,’ ‘cell phone,’ ‘laptop,’ etc. here) fell into (insert ‘the toilet,’ ‘a blender full of kiwi daiquiris,’ ‘a child’s wading pool full of chocolate pudding’). My roommate tried to dry it out with a road flare, but it still doesn’t work. Can I just order another one? Please?” It will inevitably be the piece of technology you bought no insurance for.
Myth: College kids today are more health-conscious than ever. True, but only if you consider bi-weekly tanning and eating beef burritos after 2:00 a.m. a form of New Age religion. You may have heard that 18-year-olds believe they are immortal; they frequently act accordingly.
Myth: My child will not fall victim to the dreaded “freshman 15” pounds of weight gain. In fact, most college freshmen eventually convince their parents that they have converted to veganism when, in fact, they are regularly pounding down thousands of calories in turkey wraps, chips and salsa and sushi.
Myth: My kid would never dare carry a fake ID. OK. But here is post-Sept. 11 America’s dirty little secret: Fake IDs are a common fact of life at U.S. institutions of higher learning. A study published in Psychology of Addictive Behaviors reported that, by the end of their sophomore year, nearly a third of college students surveyed reported that they owned a fake ID, a fact that ought to be giving folks at the Department of Homeland Security ulcers, because the other two-thirds most likely responded with, “What do you mean by ‘fake?'”
I’m not worried, though. To make up for this breach of security, the rubber-gloved people at the airport gently prod me into a cubicle so trained Doberman Pinschers can sniff my shoes. I somehow sleep easier with that knowledge.
D.R. Belz is a Baltimore satirist who collects college fight songs. Reach him at [email protected].
