Pat Sajak: Hi, everyone, I?m Pat Sajak, here to introduce the game show for today?s dangerous world ? Risk Factor! (Wild applause)
Canned voice over: Risk Factor is filmed before a live studio audience of mercenaries, interrogators and overpaid government contractors.
Pat: Now, meet our contestant, Karen Klopinsky, a mother of two from Dubuque snatched from her mini-van by CIA operatives and flown to our secure studio for a chance to win valuable prizes!
Check out Vanna in our grand prize: an armor-plated Humvee, completewith child safety seats, a lifetime supply of Meals-Ready-to-Eat and 200 rolls of top-quality duct tape. What do you think, Karen?(Wild applause)
Karen: MMMFFFPPPP.
Pat: Remove her gag, please.
(Ripping noises)
Karen: EIIIIIIYIIIIIII!!!!
Pat: No screaming ?til you?ve won! Now, your job is to evaluate the risk factor in a hypothetical scenario concocted by captured al-Qaida insurgents under the direction of Aaron Sorkin of West Wing fame. And, we?ve assembled a panel of celebrities to help.
First, Michael Chertoff, head of Homeland Security, whose risky job includes fighting off gun-toting zealots who?d like to see him dead ? and that?s just the FBI, CIA and the citizens of New Orleans! (Wild applause)
Next, we have the new head of FEMA and the U.S. Border Patrol, Billy Bailey, a 17-year-old Eagle Scout and president of the Young Republican Rifle Team at his Houston, Texas, high school. His dad is a major political contributor currently in prison for securities fraud. (Wild applause)
Our third panelist is the Rev. Al Sharpton, who takes a risk every time he goes out in public with his aerodynamic hairdo. (Wild applause)
Finally, a lady who knows how to risk being risqué, the funky, fun and fabulous ? Paula Abdul! (Wild applause)
Pat: Now, here?s our scenario.
Jane doe lives in a major U.S. city. The terror warning system is at code orange, the air quality is code yellow, the heat index is 98 and the pollen count is 120. Jane wants to drive to a big-box discounter across town for a Blue Light Special on blouses. On a scale of 1 to 10, what is the risk factor for Jane?s trip?
Karen: Why am I here? Has anyone fed my kids?
Pat: Uh oh, looks like Karen needs some help. Secretary Chertoff!
Chertoff: Uh, does Jane have any grieving relatives to make me look really, really bad if I say the city is still standing, and on TV it?s a smoking ruin filled with citizens burned beyond recognition, including Jane?
Pat: Jane is not real, secretary.
Chertoff: In that case, zero risk factor! ? Jane is perfectly safe!
Pat: Billy?
Billy: Jane is obviously waiting for government assistance instead of helping herself. She should buy a gun, drive into the hills and live off squirrels and other high-protein, low-fat animals, also lowering her risk for obesity and heart disease. Hey, did I mention I?m Secretary of Health and Human Services too? I give Jane a five, but it?s her own darned fault, not the President?s. God Bless America!
Pat: Rev. Sharpton?
Al: I need to know more about Jane. Is she a woman of color, impoverished and at the mercy of ruthless robber barons like Billy?s dad?
Billy: Hey!
Pat: Now Reverend, we went over this. Audience, let?s help Al out…
Audience: Jane?s not real!
Al: But is she an imaginary white woman or an imaginary black woman?
Pat: [Sigh] Let?s move on to Paula.
Paula: Pat, please, Jane is a fashion victim, not a terrorism victim! A blouse for $9.95? Please! I give Jane a 10 ? blowing her up is an act of mercy!
Pat: OK, Karen, are you ready? (Wild applause)
Karen: These people are complete morons. I want out of here! Hey, kid in the Boy Scout uniform, can I borrow your gun?
Pat: A number, Karen, or the gag goes back on. (Wild applause)
Karen: OK, I say 10, because if people are paying attention to this, we?re doomed.
BELLS, WHISTLES, WILD APPLAUSE!
Pat: Karen, you?re a Grand Prize Winner! Jane runs a red light while reaching for her inhaler and is struck and killed by a Ghanaian cab driver just minutes before a dirty bomb goes off. It?s a 10! (Wild applause) Let?s put this little lady in her Humvee and get her the heck out of here. Karen, put down that duct tape and back away ? Karen ? Security!
Canned voice over: Next week join celebrity panelists Kim Jong Il, Kenneth Lay, Bill Clinton and Britney Spears for Risk Factor ?the game show for today?s dangerous world!
Melanie Howard is a freelance writer living in Virginia and a National Magazine Award finalist published in Glamour, SELF, CHILD, Seventeen, Family Circle and other national magazines. Her columns also run regularly in the Waterbury, Conn., Republican-American and have been published in the Alexandria Times. She can be reached at [email protected].
