In a shameful end to a pathetic political career spanning over half a century, President Joe Biden announced he would be pardoning his son, Hunter Biden, the erstwhile crack-addicted purveyor of prostitution described by the president as “the smartest man” he knows.

“It is clear that Hunter was treated differently,” Biden declared in a statement. “The charges in his cases came about only after several of my political opponents in Congress instigated them to attack me and oppose my election.”