This is the time of year when many college students, fresh off four years of studies, are looking back and thinking, wistfully, “Wait, four years and I’m still only a sophomore? Man, I really have to start hitting the books.”
Those actually graduating will definitely want to attend their commencement exercises. This is a centuries-old tradition in which the berobed Leaders of Tomorrow sit through one final boring lecture from a Leader of Today.Then it’s off to the graduation party for a last chance at scoring with that hottie from music appreciation class.
Sadly, because of a scheduling conflict, this year I will not be delivering a commencement speech at the top university that inquired about my availability. And here I’m using the term “scheduling conflict” to mean “lack of interest” and “inquired about my availability” to mean “did not return my phone calls.” Oh, and “top university” might be more accurately rendered as “The Learning Annex.”
Were I delivering a graduation speech, I would emphasize to today’s young people the importance of proper financial management. In college, an economics professor taught me a valuable lesson about money — specifically, that someone can dedicate his life to studying economics and still drive a 15-year-old Volkswagen Jetta. To avoid this fate, you recent graduates need to be frugal. And what better way to begin than by moving back in with your parents?
Admittedly, you may consider this step a failure of long-term planning. And it is — by your parents. When they heard you were majoring in “hydroponic agriculture,” your folks should have immediately put the house on the market and moved into a one-bedroom condo, leaving no forwarding address.
But instead they were foolish enough to think that pointedly referring to your old room as the “guest room” would keep you away. Nice try, Mom and Dad! Returning home is merely a short-term solution, however. To establish an independent identity for yourself, you can’t live with your parents forever. Eventually, they’re going to have to move out.
Admittedly, they will likely object to this plan. But look at the facts: your parents have high-paying jobs, equity, good credit, plenty of assets and functioning means of transportation. You have none of these things, yet you’re the one who’s supposed to move out? This is exactly the kind of discriminatory thinking your socialist professors warned you about.
To get your parents out, take a page out of your Psychology 101 textbook. Ignore the nonsense printed on the page and, in the margin, write down the following three-point plan:
1. Perception is everything
Always tell people that your parents live with you, not the other way around. Eventually transition into saying that your folks are merely “staying with” you, and then that they’re “just visiting.” Soon your parents won’t even notice when they begin referring to the place as your house.
2. Pound the pavement together
Take your parents along to check out prospective places to live (just don’t specify for whom), but look exclusively at houses for sale. Be sure to comment on what a nice place each one is, although, sadly, way out of your price range.
3. I know what you did during the ’90s
All parents have secrets they keep from their kids. Refer to knowing “more than I probably should.” Casually mention that “there are some things children just shouldn’t know about their parents,” and imply that you’d hate to “have to alert the authorities to certain activities.”
Follow these steps, and your parents will eventually realize that they’re better off getting a new place than trying to extricate you from the old one. Just don’t count on being in their will.
Examiner columnist Malcolm Fleschner plans to encourage his kids to return to their childhood home. If the new owners don’t mind, why should he?
