There’s more than one reason why marriage in the United States is down and why dating is all but dead, but a new study sheds light on one factor that has rarely, if ever, been addressed: how being a product of divorce affects one’s ability to love.
“Studies of children experiencing parental divorce find effects on mood disorders, substance abuse, and other behaviors in adulthood,” write the study’s authors. “Here, we examine the effect of divorce on adult urine oxytocin levels. Results suggest that oxytocin levels are adversely affected by parental divorce in humans and may be related to attachment measures in adulthood.”
In other words, those who were children when their parents divorced showed lower levels of oxytocin, known as the bonding hormone, compared to those whose parents remained married.
This finding will almost certainly step on some toes, so you won’t hear about it in the media. But that doesn’t change the uncomfortable fact that when the two individuals to whom a child is most attached stop loving one another, it disrupts that child’s ability to bond later in life. Without a model for how love and commitment work, he or she will be shooting blanks down the line.
I can vouch for this firsthand since almost all my coaching clients are products of divorce, and they truly are in the dark about how love works. They don’t know that the secret is in the giving, rather than in the getting. They don’t know how to relate to the opposite sex by learning their partner’s language. They don’t know that commitment feels hard in the moment but that its rewards are great in the end. They don’t know what it means to sacrifice for the good of the whole. Most importantly, they don’t know how to be vulnerable since, for years, they’ve been mentally preparing themselves for the inevitable end to the relationship.
This isn’t rocket science. If you were raised in a home where two parents didn’t know how to love each other — which can certainly happen when parents stay together, but it’s a slam dunk when they get divorced — where would a child learn such skills?
Certainly not from the culture: Almost every love story young people watch or read about ends with a wedding. There are no stories about what comes after “I do” because what’s the fun in that? Well, OK. But that’s where the answer about how to love lies.
That divorce is prevalent and socially sanctioned doesn’t eliminate its effects on children; it merely makes us immune to its truths. “Those who experienced parental divorce were less confident, more uncomfortable with closeness, and less secure in relationships,” writes Terry Goodrich.
Indeed. Leila Miller, author of Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, asked this question recently on her Facebook page: “Is there any time in history where we’ve had so few young adults getting married and having children? It’s unnatural.”
Two responses to her query speak to the new study. A woman named Brenda writes, “My kids want nothing to do with marriage after their father abruptly left and divorced me. They’ve seen that vows mean nothing, and they don’t want to be shredded like I was. They don’t trust in love.”
To which James adds, “You are 100% correct. I also have had children of divorce tell me their parents’ divorce is why they refuse to get married.”
Of course, many children of divorce do get married, despite their misgivings. But when conflict comes, as it inevitably will, they have fewer tools to use to climb their way out. As Judith Wallerstein wrote in The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study, “Contrary to what we have long thought, the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Rather, it rises in adulthood as a series of romantic relationships move center stage.” Wallerstein continues, “When it comes time to choose a life mate and build a family, the effects of divorce crescendo.”
It is important to note that although the study didn’t mention the different causes of divorce, those who are married to partners who are unsafe for children should not be persuaded to stay. Safety must always come first. But the vast majority of divorces does not a result of abuse or of severe mental illness. The vast majority is filed under the heading “irreconcilable differences,” which essentially means that, unlike those who manage to stay married, the couple couldn’t figure out how to make love work despite their differences.
What on Earth makes us think the children will figure it out?
Suzanne Venker (@SuzanneVenker) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She’s the author of five books and a relationship coach, as well as host of The Suzanne Venker Show. Her website is www.suzannevenker.com.
