Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and let’s be honest: For people who do not struggle with depression, dark thoughts, or suicidal ideations, it’s hard to know what to say to those around us who do. Of course, not as hard as it must be for people who have struggled with this— I’m not insinuating we are actually the victims here— but hard in the sense that most of us are empathetic and caring people, who want to know how to help family and friends, and prevent the sadness and trauma of suicide. Statistics show there are, on average, 123 suicides per day and 7 in 10 are white males.
My family experienced this trauma recently, when a young relative of mine committed suicide. We were close as children but grew apart as adults. He was brilliant and funny, a father who loved his children. He enjoyed a challenging job at a reputable company. He had been battling an opioid addiction, and that— coupled with the touch of arrogance that often plagues people who can and do think outside the box— made it so he could not seem to want to get help to overcome the addiction, and to battle his way through the darkness of the disease.
Like many families, we were shocked by the timing, the method, and way it made us all feel as though we should have done more. I immediately wondered if I should have inserted myself in his life more, even though we couldn’t have been more different. Could any of us have helped him find relief? There is an empty shame family members grapple with upon such an event and many of us left behind will never know if it mirrors how the person who chose to take his own life felt.
There is another side to the suicide coin, and it too is dark and destructive in a different way. There are people who verbalize their wish to end their lives as a manipulative tool— to gain power or control over a loved one or friend. It’s actually quite a common occurrence among manipulative, abusive people, and just the threats alone bring their own destruction. Not only do they serve to diminish the power of the threats of people who are actually sincere and in need of intervention, like my family member was, but it severely damages the relationship with the person on the receiving end of the threat.
A licensed clinical social worker described the “Suicide Card” this way: “Your loved one has developed some maladaptive habits in order to manage legitimately painful emotions. Withdrawal, self-loathing, threats of suicide, and passive/aggressive behavior are ways of escaping emotions he or she has no other skills to deal with.” True as this may be, it still places the person on the receiving end in a difficult spot: Is my loved one going to commit suicide? If they do, is it my fault?
There is no time when it feels comfortable to play a guessing game about whether someone is serious about their threat to commit suicide, and that’s exactly the reason it’s effective as a tool of manipulation. No one is up for the task of battling that guilt. No one wants the knowledge that a person threatened suicide, was not taken seriously, and followed through with the threat— and on their watch. So often people in these toxic relationships remain and placate the person, and the cycle of destruction continues.
If you or a loved one is on the receiving end of suicide threats, and that person has previously shown the signs of being manipulative or abusive, there is only one thing to do: Call local law enforcement or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If the threat is real, the person will get the help they need; if the threat is not real, the person’s bluff will be called and hopefully they will not rely on it again to try to manipulate your relationship.
For people who are struggling with suicidal ideation, clinical depression, or lingering sadness: tell one person, reach out for help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Let’s get to the place where there is no such thing as World Prevention Suicide Day at all.
Nicole Russell (@russell_nm) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner ‘s Beltway Confidential blog. She is a journalist who previously worked in Republican politics in Minnesota.
