Reading the Washington Examiner’s coverage of Hillary Clinton’s FBI interview, a phrase came to mind again and again …”I am just a caveman.”
Remember Phil Hartman as SNL’s “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer?” Dressed as a Neanderthal, he bemoaned the fact that our modern world “frightens and confuses me.” He was puzzled by the technology of the cell phone and fax machine. “My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts,” he would say.
Now look at the FBI’s notes of its interview with former U.S. Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton:
“The notes indicate Clinton told agents she had a limited understanding of why documents are classified and could not recall ever receiving training on how to handle sensitive material.”
Clinton said that an email central to the investigation, one that involved conversations about a planned drone strike in Pakistan, didn’t raise any red flags when she transmitted the highly classified information over her unsecured email system.
“Clinton stated deliberation over a future drone strike did not give her cause for concern regarding classification,” the FBI notes said. So a discussion by the nation’s top diplomat about a U.S. drone strike in Pakistan didn’t “give her cause for concern regarding classification.”
“You mean that sort of thing is supposed to be a secret? I’m just a caveperson. Your strange, classified ways confuse me. E-lec-tronic mails? Where do you put the stamp?”
When Hillary was given emails with a big letter “C” for “classified” on them, she told the FBI she thought the “C” had something to do with (no joke) “alphabetical order.”
“I kept reading for a D, E, or F, but couldn’t find them. Then again, in my cave world, we would have simple images of stick figures spearing a mastodon.”
Clinton first claimed she needed her primitive, unsecure email system because she couldn’t handle more than one device. Now we know she accessed emails via 13 different mobile devices.
(“I-I’m sorry, your Honor. I was listening to the magic voices coming out of this strange modern invention,” said the unfrozen caveman lawyer.)
Clinton has repeatedly sworn under oath she’s handed over all work-related emails, now the FBI says they recovered 17,448 “unique work-related and personal” emails. How can a simple mind like Hillary’s possibly grasp the difference between yoga schedules and, say, final details of an arms-deal negotiation?
What makes Hillary’s claims funnier than any SNL sketch is that her intelligence and competence lie at the core of the fundamental argument for her election. She’s an insider. She knows how to make the system work.
But now, faced with very real allegations of law-breaking and risking American security, suddenly she claims that she’s the Secretary from Sesame Street: “‘(C)’ is for cookie, that’s …Wait — what?”
A message for the simple, cavewoman candidate for the most powerful office in the world: Nobody believes you. Nobody.
Certainly not the many pseudo-journalists pretending your security scandals aren’t news, or that your explanations are legit. You’re not that dumb, and they aren’t dumb enough to believe you.
But then again what do I know? I’m just a simple, American voter.
Michael Graham is the Washington Examiner’s multimedia director. Follow him on Twitter at @iammgraham
