In a moment of clarity, I realized that while we dream and wait expectantly for the few excitingmoments in our lives, regular life is an austere Trappist Monk who doles out a burlap framed list of family and job responsibilities each day.
How to cope with it all? George Washington helped himself by writing 110 “Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation.”
We Esworthys have compiled our own list of helpful rules to manage the day with the least angst. Let me share just a few.
To start the day, Never Cook Bacon Naked. It will be a painful experience. No wonder the ancient Romans liked to boil their enemies in oil. Ouch! Upon slapping bacon in the frying pan, it sends missiles of burning fat to sizzle your skin. If you have a sissified encapsulated bacon-maker, then never mind. Bacon is “in” again thanks to my hero, the late Dr. Robert Adkins. He?s the man the other weight programs maligned while quietly changing their own formulas to contain fewer carbs.
Next, as you drive to work, change lanes and Steer Clear of Any Car with more than 10 Bumper Stickers, supporting lost or otherwise hopeless causes.
These are in-your-face activists, who might try to pick a fight. Don?t make eye contact. The car with environmental theme stickers, like “Work Against Continental Drift” and “Fight Tectonic Plate Shift” is spewing fumes and failed the emissions test for the third time. Slyly read the decals but protect yourself with an expressionless face. Animal themes I?ve read are: “Submariners Against Harassment of the Giant Squid” and “Sheep HerdersAgainst Unionized Border Collies.” Political themes have included: “Drive Free or Die ? Citizens Against Licenses and Painted Lines” and “Cruelty is Prison Without Digital Cable.” Finally, here?s my favorite spiritual path decal: “The way to not take things personally is not to think of yourself as a person.” Amen brother.
Now let me qualify this bumper sticker rule. School stickers are fine. A private high school, college or law school decal advertises enormous debt. Ten school stickers at $30,000 each marks you as the good guy who has consolidated the kids? school loans that somebody, you or they, are paying fore more than 30 years, just like a mortgage.
Here?s a rule about romance. Never Trust a Guy over 60 with a ponytail. He had a great time at Woodstock and can?t let go. I have a relative who?s a Willie Nelson wannabe. He and his long suffering wife live in an authentic teepee in Vermont and cross the creek in their canoe to shop at Wal-Mart.
In winter, they move into his 1971 Volkswagen Bus and intermittently run the engine for heat. Sounds irresistibly romantic, I know, but be strong and resist. Dusting the tent poles and dashboard gets old fast.
Finally, here?s a leisure-time-with-family rule. To Alienate Neighbors, Have Kids and Pets. It?s in a kid?s specs to be exuberant and spread toys to trip on, chicken pox and joys, like gum on a hot sidewalk, around the neighborhood. Happy pets always try to bust out of the fence gate or claw their way to a free afternoon digging in somebody else?s garden, rearranging petunias and doing their business where they don?t sleep. I spent a lot of time scooping errant poop and defending my kids,? dogs? and cats? rights, even three anxious weeks of a pot-bellied pig?s rooting right to be well-adjusted and grow up contentedly.
My one complaint is that there is no appropriate John Williams? background music to automatically kickin during the dramatic moments of “Life by the Esworthy Rules,” which always have been more interesting than Hollywood?s scripts. Music would help.
Stephanie Esworthy was director of Media and Public Relations and the Baltimore City Film Commission for former Mayors William Donald Schaefer and the late Clarence “Du” Burns and served as head of Baltimore City?s Bureau of Music in every city administration since Mayor Theodore R. McKeldin. Her personal experiences in local politics started in the early 1950s as the daughter of state?s attorney and chief judge of the Circuit Court for Baltimore City, Anselm Sodaro, now deceased. She may be reached at [email protected].
