I had a relationship coaching session last week with a young couple in their 20s whose circumstances are rather unique. He’s active-duty military and thus rarely home, and she’s an emergency dispatcher holding down the fort. They’re not married but merely living together — because, they said, it was the convenient thing to do at the time. Unsurprisingly, things aren’t working out so well now.
There was a time when living with one’s boyfriend or girlfriend out of “convenience” would have sounded silly. But over the past 25 years, cohabiting has risen exponentially. Ironically, millennials view cohabitation as a sign of commitment, something with which the couple should feel proud, as if announcing you’re moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend is something to celebrate. But what is it celebrating? That someone has promised to share a bed with you, along with the rent, for only as long he or she feels compelled to do so? And then what?
“By living together already, both parties have likely developed a thought pattern of ‘what if this doesn’t work out,’ thinking you could just move out and move on, which can undermine that sense of commitment that is essential to a thriving marriage, and that most women seeking marriage want,” writes Galena Rhoades, a Ph.D., psychology professor at the University of Denver.
Indeed, the flimsy nature of living together without long-term commitment does not sit well with most women, no matter how much they pretend otherwise. At some point, she will want to know where the relationship is headed. The prospect of motherhood makes this an inevitability.
As Alyssa, a mother with three young adult children, wrote to me, “I have observed more and more people cohabiting, even under their parents’ roofs! I have discussed with my children the reasons why they shouldn’t do this. They are dating seriously now and say they won’t cohabit. But my fear is that after graduation, my daughter will feel enormous pressure to move in with her boyfriend. Despite her current resolve, I’m afraid she will cave because everyone is doing it.”
Note the comment about parents supporting their child’s choice to cohabit. This is just another example of how Baby Boomers have screwed things up with their kids when it comes to love and marriage by encouraging them in all the wrong ways. They assume cohabiting is harmless because the stigma of premarital sex, which their generation ushered in, no longer exists.
But sex isn’t the only or even the main problem with “shacking up” (although it’s a factor — not because it’s immoral, per se, but because men have less incentive to commit). There are other, perfectly sound arguments against this practice.
Here are three counter-arguments that parents can offer when their children tell them it “just makes sense” to move in with their boyfriend or girlfriend.
1. You may save on rent, but the attendant costs are steep. Costs can be measured in more than one way. For one thing, living with a significant other with whom the future is unclear can cost vital years of a woman’s life if the relationship doesn’t last. Moreover, finances will ironically become a problem. Financial guru Dave Ramsey constantly fields calls from young couples who are living together and need Dave’s advice about how to do this or do that when it comes to money, and Dave’s answer is always the same: Get married already! It’s downright foolish to combine finances with someone to whom you’re not married. Not only can it be a legal nightmare (you could make a major purchase together and then break up) because the couple hasn’t become “one” yet, legally and spiritually, but it sets up a competitive dynamic, rather than a complementary one, which marriage fosters. Finally, there’s the “cost” of one’s wedding in terms of excitement and joy. What’s fun about getting married when you have already been playing house?
2. It will not help determine whether or not you’re compatible. If you date someone long enough, you will know if you’re compatible. Marriage is a long business, and there’s just no way on God’s green Earth to figure out in advance if your relationship will last. Whether or not it lasts depends entirely on your marriage mindset, or your attitude, and your level of commitment. My mother used to say, “Things will come out years later!” Meaning: None of us can ever know a person entirely until many, many years have passed. It’s impossible to overturn every stone, or to ensure you’ve made the right choice, in advance. What millennials are really saying with this argument is that they’re scared — understandably so, because they are often products of divorce. They don’t want to fail the way their parents did, and they think cohabiting will ensure their success. It won’t.
3. Cohabitation is not a “step toward marriage.” No woman should be honored by the prospect of moving in with her boyfriend. It’s not an honor. It’s an insult. It says, “I’m not sure about you yet, but let’s give it a go.” (This is a major red flag because men have no problem jumping in when they know they have found the right woman.) Times may change, but people don’t. Women want what they’ve always wanted: security. And men want what they’ve always wanted: sex. Ergo, women are exchanging frequent access to sex for, well, nothing. I know this seems old-fashioned to millennials who are convinced men and women are “equal” now, as in the same, but they’ve been sold a false bill of goods. It may feel equal for a spell — until that biological clock ticks louder and louder, at which point the relationship must be reevaluated. And that’s the worst possible time to make a choice of spouse. You should make that choice sans an impending pregnancy (says the coach who works with women who literally married their husbands so they could have a baby, and their marriages are now teetering on the brink of divorce).
It’s unfortunate that “most Americans say cohabitation is acceptable, even if a couple doesn’t plan to get married,” but that shows you how easy it is to get people on board with dumb ideas. To be sure, it’s an uphill battle to stand apart from the crowd when it appears that everyone is doing it. But most people used to smoke too, and look how that turned out.
Suzanne Venker (@SuzanneVenker) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She’s the author of five books and a relationship coach, as well as host of “The Suzanne Venker Show.” Her website is www.suzannevenker.com.
