Throughout the calendar year, the public is treated to the release of various lists highlighting prominent or otherwise distinguished Americans. Just a few examples are Forbes 400 Richest, People Magazine’s 25 Most Intriguing and the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted. To date, the only individual to make all three lists in the same year is Martha Stewart.
My favorite accolade, however, has to be the set of so-called “Genius Grants” awarded annually to those Americans deemed by the MacArthur Foundation to have shown “exceptional creativity in their work and the prospect for still more in the future.” After all, how great would it be to have some random organization call to say you’re a genius and oh, by the way, here’s $500,000 to blow any way you see fit?
So how are MacArthur fellows selected? Unfortunately, I don’t know. The process is jealously guarded from the public, following the example set by the obscure evaluation methods involved in choosing such other eminent personages as Supreme Court nominees, the pope and contestants on “Survivor.”
As a result, the lucky geniuses have no idea they’re even under consideration until they get the unexpected good news. And while I’m sure recipients are always pleasantly surprised, this system just seems rife for abuse. I mean, you know how self-absorbed some academic types are. And while I’d hate to plant an idea in the heads of any overworked and underappreciated graduate students who may be looking for a way to get back attheir dictatorial advising professors, but could you imagine a better prank phone call?
“Is this Dr. Nasenhaare of the Harvard University Physics Department? Hello, this is Haywood Jablome from the MacArthur Foundation. I’m calling to inform you that you’ve been selected for one of this year’s MacArthur Genius grants. We were impressed with your work in the area of subatomic particle retrieval, specifically with regard to all the particles you were able to retrieve from your nose during office hours when you thought no one was looking. Psyche!”
The official list of this year’s MacArthur fellows came out last week and, disappointingly, my name was not among them. Why would I think myself worthy of the genius title, particularly since I have, on more than one occasion, driven away from a self-serve gas station with the pump still attached to my car?
It’s a legitimate question. For one thing, this past year I’ve been repeatedly referred to as a genius — often by complete strangers. I can’t count how many times I’ve been told, “The door is marked ‘Exit Only,’ genius,” “Hey genius, the toaster doesn’t work unless it’s plugged in” or, ironically enough, ” ‘Genius’ is only spelled with one ‘s,’ genius.”
I guess I may have also deluded myself into believing I was in the running because I could really use that $500,000, which comes with no strings attached. According to the foundation Web site, the stipend is intended to help free recipients from financial concerns because, “talented people are in the best position to decide how to allocate their resources to follow their creative vision.” In my case, if I don’t come up with the substantial sum I owe to my bookie, Vinnie “The Tenderizer” Stromboli, it will be very difficult for me to “follow my creative vision” and write my column after Vinnie has, as he put it, “made mashed potatoes out of my fingers.”
Ah well, so my genius will go unrecognized for another year. Butwhy dwell on the negative when there are so many more upcoming tributes to shoot for? Because I have a funny feeling this may just be my year for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive title.
Examiner columnist Malcolm Fleschner has frequently been credited with “exceptional creativity” in the production of expense reports.
