Orioles owner Peter Angelos has been vilified in the media for years because of the manner in which his team has gone from class operation to laughingstock.
Described as stubborn, out of touch and meddlesome, Angelos, a lawyer, is probably the most disliked man in Baltimore according to what you read and hear from passionate Orioles fans.
Pete is frustrated. How many more hairs does he pull out? Who should he turn to for advice? His wife? The fans?
The Scene: Angelos? office in the Orioles warehouse.
He paces, passing jars of asbestos samples and Halloween masks of former owner Eli Jacobs.
Angelos: What do I do? When does this abuse stop? Judges don?t even treat me this bad.
(A large smokescreen emerges.)
Angelos: What th ? ?
Irsay: Peter Angelos? I?m Robert Irsay.
Angelos: Who?
Irsay: Bob Irsay. I was once the owner of the Baltimore Colts.
Angelos: Irsay?! Aren?t you deceased? This must be a dream, right?
Irsay: You should be so lucky. Look, Tiger, do you want my help? I see where your attendance is so low you?re starting to give away tickets to streetwalkers. The fans don?t care anymore and blame it all on you. I know. I?ve been there.
Angelos: But tell me Mr. Irsay, are you up there or ? down ? ?
Irsay: You know damned well they wouldn?t let me in up above, but I?m not in the hot flashes either. They?ve assigned me to a middle area called Helven.
Angelos: Helven? Isn?t that a cheese spread?
Irsay: It?s for people who weren?t good but weren?t evil like Hitler, either. The facilities are OK, but not first-class like the floor above. It?s a little warm, so I just wear tank tops and shorts. Richard Nixon sits on the board of governors, can you believe that? Here?s a brochure.
Angelos: Three meals a day, tennis, dancing, always a perfect 93 degrees. Not bad. No air conditioning?
Irsay: Nah. I fan myself with old Mike Pagel jerseys.
Angelos: Who?
Irsay: It?s a Colts thing. You wouldn?t understand. I?d just like to clear up that I wasn?t drunk at that press conference in ?83 at the airport. It was all a case of bad jet lag! Schaefer knew it, but all he did was roll his eyes! Look, I know all of the people wished I had left the Colts name and colors here. But I?m not Art Modell ? . See, he was classy giving Cleveland all of the Browns stuff, but that wasn?t me. The Colts belong in Indianapolis just as the NBA?s Jazz belong in Utah. Horses are now running all over Indiana looking for a racetrack and a few people are actually playing saxophone in Salt Lake City.
Angelos: I don?t get it. I spend millions on great ballplayers. David Segui was good, wasn?t he? Scott Erickson ? when he would let you talk to him, he was a pleasant fella. Bob, should I put “Baltimore” back on the jerseys? They?ve been bugging me to death on that one.
Irsay: I wouldn?t use the word “death.” Forget ?em Pete! Pick up the black and orange and go to Indy and you won?t have to smell the stench of rotting steamed crabs anywhere!
Angelos: The Indianapolis Orioles?
Irsay: Come with me and you?ll make even MORE money. This BGE hike of 72 percent? That?s mine.
Angelos: What?!
Irsay: The gas thing? Three bucks a gallon?
Angelos: Yours, too? But how ? .
Irsay: Connections, Tiger. Just because I?m not on Earth doesn?t mean I?m not involved in action in Helven. Look, I?ve got to go. I have a meeting with Dick Cheney.
Angelos: Dick Cheney is in Helven?
Irsay: No, not yet. Think it over and get back to me!
(Irsay vanishes in a large smokescreen)
Angelos: Well, there?s only one thing I can do to solve these problems.
(Angelos goes to see “The Da Vinci Code.”)
The end.
Steve Liebowitz is a prolific writer of books and articles, including “A Consumer?s Guide to Restaurant Bathrooms.” His new book about Atlantic City?s Steel Pier will be released later this year. He can be reached at [email protected].
