(TheDC Satire) On April 10, Rick Santorum announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican nomination. As the news broke that he had finally called it quits, Newt Gingrich, one of the three remaining candidates, began emailing front-runner Mitt Romney in an attempt to finally bring the race to a close.
They are reprinted here for the first time, in their entirety, and without comment.
FROM: Newt Gingrich
TO: Mitt Romney
April 24, 2012
2:43 p.m.
Willard,
With Santorum’s exit, the time’s finally come for the party to rally around a single candidate. If we are to win this November we need to be united. I think you would agree that a contested convention won’t help us defeat the man who will go down, in all probability, as the worst North American leader in the last quarter millennium (with the possible exception of the 18th Century Shawnee Indian warrior Tenskwatawa).
It is abundantly obvious the momentum is on my side. The delegates are beginning to rally around me. I don’t see how any rational person could possibly imagine anyone other than me being the GOP nominee at this point. To be blunt, it’s time for you to drop out for the sake of our party, our country, our shared Western Civilization.
One hundred forty-eight years ago, at the height of the war between the states, Atlanta was burnt to the ground. Right now, Atlanta is literally the Republican Party, Mitt. Don’t be General Sherman.
Di te incolumem custodiant,
N.G.
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