Saying that it was “frankly exhausted” and running on fumes likely in violation of environmental regulations, Congress announced Thursday afternoon that it would be stepping down at the end of the year.
“I’m out of gas, man,” a dog-tired Capitol conceded at a news conference. “And the gas would be taxed too high if there were any left, anyway.”
The move comes after months of speculation that the renowned institution had grown weary of interparty fighting, intraparty quarreling, an obdurate White House, distorted policy arguments, SuperPACs, advocacy groups, unpopularity, and constantly being awakened in the middle of the night by the vice-president.
“He always strolls up wanting to have these bizarre, philosophical conversations at like 2 a.m.,” Congress said. “Night after night, it’s this madman banging on the door, ‘Hey, it’s Joe! I’ve been doing some thinking … is a Corvette engine a metaphor for life? It sure sounds good.’ More like, it sure makes no sense. There’s no sleep to be had around here.”
Congress added that its increasingly marginalized role in this “Year of Action” was the final impetus to call it quits. President Obama has pledged on repeated occasions to advance his agenda without the aid of Congress where feasible and when possible.
“Here’s my thing: The people don’t like me. The president doesn’t need me. What’s the point?” the Capitol asked defeatedly. It held an unopened bottle of beer atop the House chamber and raised it high, popping the top on the Capitol dome’s statue.
“Tastes like freedom. The Statue of Freedom,” it observed after taking a swig. “Sorry, guys, I need this. It’s been a long 200-plus years.”
225, in fact. Congress, the U.S. government’s bicameral legislature, has served consecutive terms since 1789. It has grown over time to house 535 representatives and senators, 532 of whom the American public generally despises, and three that it can tolerate.
Early speculation about the institution’s replacement has centered on the first 100 names in the Boston phone book, though when contacted, none of them expressed much interest.
“I’d rather spend two years cheering for the Yankees,” John Aardsma, 61, said.
“Are you [expletive] serious?” Jennifer Abbott, 36, responded.
Congress at least seems to have an idea of what it’d like to do next. It said it wants to spend more time with its family and get involved with the community back home. It added that it will seek ways to remain engaged in public life, though it’s “not sure what that’ll look like.”
“In the meantime, it’ll be good to relax — and enjoy a couple of these,” it said, taking another sip of beer. Someone in the crowd then asked Congress why the beer wasn’t made in America, and it spiked the bottle to the ground, smashing it.
“Here’s your damn stimulus project. I’ll pay someone a nickel to clean that up,” it barked. “Lord knows I don’t have any more than that.”
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