Rather than travel to a handful of college campuses, Stephen Colbert gave a commencement speech on Monday’s The Late Show.
It’s college commencement week, “the time of year when the highly educated think to themselves,’what side does the little tassel-y thing go on,'” Colbert said.
As Tony Stark is not real and can’t give a commencement speech, Colbert presented “The Late’s Show’s 2016 Commencement Speech.” While at the podium, Colbert struggled with his tassel before he acknowledged the crowd.
The speech mentioned cliches such as “remember to be pro-active; don’t wait for things to happen, make them happen.” He added an unorthodox twist to his advice: “if you want a certain job, go out there and kidnap the person whose job you want and assume their identity. Get their haircut. Learn their family members’ names.”
When it comes to making good choices, Colbert told the audience to “choose to win the lottery.”
The “future is unlimited,” Colbert said. “Don’t settle for less than the best, unless you’re 26 and not married and don’t have the career of your dreams yet. Then just go with the first person you make eye contact with at the bar. It’s not going to get any better, and let’s face it, you’re such a great catch? Come on.”
“Dance like no one is watching,” he said, “because you never know when you’ll get laid off and have to turn to adult dancing.”
Colbert also advised everyone to get Amazon Prime, plan for the future by “hav[ing] your head cryogenically frozen when you’re still young and attractive,” and not to be afraid of taking risks, which Colbert demonstrated by ripping up the rest of his speech. He reminded everyone to “always bring a backup copy of your speech.”
Colbert closed by reminding the audience that “if you ever get in a jam in your life and don’t know how it’s going to end, remember you can always throw to commercials.”
