The world isn’t letting North Korea get away with its new spiked warhead.
Hours after pictures surfaced Friday of a freshly coiffed Kim Jong-un, the U.N. Security Council moved to censure the despotic regime for deploying weapons of mass seduction. The resolution, passed unanimously by the hastily convened panel, described Kim’s show of force as a “brazen and comically failed attempt to distract the world community with sex appeal.” A vote on sanctions is reportedly to follow, perhaps as early as 2018.
“No one goes from devilishly cruel to devilishly handsome overnight, especially a gout-stricken tyrant with a cheese fetish,” U.N. spokesperson Guus van der Clausen said, citing rumors from late 2014 that Kim was beset by the painful arthritic condition. “This is obviously an optical manouevure, and it cannot . . . re-colour, so to speak, the wrongs of his programme. Make sure you spell all those words right, yes?”
American officials were particularly struck by Kim’s look, which many saw as a desperate attempt to redefine his public image as much as a political ploy. One military commander said the hairstyle was a “boy band” look.
“It’s like a goddamn LFO reunion in Pyongyang,” the official said on condition of anonymity, so as not to offend the pop group, of which he remains a loyal fan.
THEY SAW IT COMING
Western officials were aware that Kim was on the verge of unveiling his WMS arsenal as recently as December, when satellite images showed heavy activity at a suspected weapons site outside the North Korean capital.
“You could see forklift after forklift after forklift wheeling stuff into this unmarked facility, and the entire operation seemed heavily guarded,” one U.S. official who had seen the images said. “It kind of made it easy when you zoomed in and saw ‘POMADE’ scrawled across the boxes.”
The official estimated that Kim is hiding as much as 3,000 ounces — almost 188 pounds — of product inside the facility. It is not known if there are other sites in the country. The source of the product is also unknown, though speculation has centered on one or more of several 7th grade dances in coastal California.
Van der Clausen would not say if the Security Council had been preparing retaliation against Kim’s regime for the lesser offense of WMS possession.
“Today sort of forced our hand,” he said.
“IT’S NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR HIM”
If Kim were hoping to enhance his reputation in the U.S., early returns indicate that he fell short.
“When your head looks like a fishbowl with a beer gut, it’s tough to pull off a spiked look,” Marci Carter, a Los Angeles salon owner whose clients have included multiple A-list actors. “I can understand the idea of trying to lengthen your face and not make it look so smushed, but this is just a real train wreck.”
Roz “Razor” Heron, a Brooklyn-based stylist who specializes in punk looks, advised that Kim should let his hair grow and swoop it across his forehead.
“Much more fitting look. This one he has now — it’s not a good look for him.”
Seoul-based sources close to Pyongyang said late Friday that no one had swiped right on Kim’s Tyrants Only dating app in the last 24 hours.
