Dear Ryan,
This Christmas we have about a dozen people coming to my house, and while most are proud supporters of the President-elect, there are three who are still in a state of shock. My Aunt Carole, who’s in her mid-50’s and single, has never been married, owns six cats, and lives with her gay best friend who helps her direct community theater. My sister Olivia is a sophomore at a liberal arts college, and she’s still “literally shaking” about the election. Lastly, there’s my cousin Tom, who lives in Brooklyn, is a vegan and mostly just eats kale. He thinks Lena Dunham and Bon Iver are the voices of our generation. How do I avoid a fight on Christmas about politics? Can we just not speak about it all together or is that too unrealistic?
Anonymous/Dayton, Ohio
Well, Anonymous,
Simple pimple, it’s your house, so you make the rules. Off the bat, do not engage in political discussion. During awkward moments of silence, you might liven up the situation by screaming a random obscenity, talk about who’s pissed you off, or claim something you want from grandma’s house when she kicks the bucket.
Create fun activities, like building gingerbread houses or chocolate houses if you’re gluten-free. Nothing says “relaxing holiday” like nervously putting together crafts to avoid speaking.
Don’t try to heal the situation by discussing your feelings or printing out paper dolls of the new first family and dressing them up in different outfits for the inauguration. And don’t be passive-aggressive. Refrain from saying “if you don’t like the fish, then you’re deported.”
Being a family means you have a lifetime to fight, no need to ruin that with an all out civil war over Christmas dinner. Wait until your wife’s brother comes out as gay or your uncle leaves his wife for the nanny before you have the real throw down.
If some of your family members really can’t keep their mouth shut then give them a hug and say, “You need to go so, we can remain civil. I’ll see you at the next (holiday, birthday, baptism, bar/bat mitzvah, funeral, etc.).”
Breaking this down to a simple fight between Democrats vs. Republicans would be a disservice to the people who really had to fear the prospect of Hillary Clinton becoming president. You’d be leaving out working class people, who would have seen their jobs shipped overseas, or immigrants flooding the country and depressing their wages. Anyone in the Middle East who went to sleep every night wondering if their country was going to be the next to be invaded, and progressives, who would lose their political party to the corporate elite who spent more than a billion dollars pushing the very unlikeable former First Lady, might also feel left out.
Be a bigger person than those who connect everything to party politics or those in the media who lie just to build their own reputation. And especially don’t connect anything to social justice warriors who fake hate crimes just to be able to complain about racism.
Set the rules and don’t guilt people into attending. If your aunt would rather be playing piano with her cats and singing “A Chorus Line,” then let her. Similarly, allow any of your Trump supporting family members to leave, and spend time with people who allow everything to come down to politics. Only talk to those they agree with because it’s the healthy and normal thing to do.
I only give you this advice because you’ve made spending time with your family such a big priority. If you ever decide to become enlightened and shun everyone who disagrees with you, I’ll be here to show you how to block everyone from Facebook.
This article was a parody of a ridiculous advice column published by Robin Abrahams in the Boston Globe: “Advice: Trump supporters are coming to dinner. How will we survive?” Red Alert Politics has previous published other parodies about liberal problems including “I accidentally slept with a Hillary supporter.”
